Prophet Book 5: Earth War (#1-6)

"Now follow me, brothers.  We are nearly there" - FreeJohn

And so finally we come to the end of the acclaimed Prophet reboot, which took a bunch of uninspired Rob Liefeld characters created in the 90's and spun them into a wildly imaginative sci-fi storyline.  I've covered the four preceeding volumes and it's too complicated  a plotline with many different branches to fully rehash in this intro but basically the war in space had finished with the conclusion on the main series and the Earth War miniseries we're looking at here ties up various loose ends on well, Earth.  A huge army of aliens opposed to the Empire Brain Mothers and their reawakening of the millions of clone Prophets that they telepathically control seeded across thousands of worlds, has gathered on Earth for the final battle.  Our main characters are Old Man Prophet the man who commanded the army who beat the Empire first time around and his comrades the techno-organic robot Jaxson, immortal android Diehard, the tree-like being Hiyonhoiagn and the female reptilian assassin Rein-East.  They hooked up with several other Johns who had found their own ways to resist the mind control of the Brain Mothers at the end of the series thanks to some alien spores they were beneficially infected by, this included the gay male assassin John-Greenknife, the female scout John-Ka and a warrior FreeJohn grown on a world that required him to have a tail.  At the end of the main series the Empire stole the nucleus egg of something called "The Red Pain" which will also be making an appearance in this miniseries.  So time to wrap up Prophet for good it seems.

We start with "Jung Brother Hiyonhoiagn" flying across the remains of an Imperial Fortress which has been laid waste by an unknown foe. He communicates telepathically with Old Man Prophet saying whatever it was it has come and gone.  Inside a bubble of "shipskin" Old Man Prophet tells him that his mind is open if he finds anything. As he floats the skin shields his mind as he links his thoughts to his "crew-brothers".

Old Man Prophet.

He reaches out mentally across the vast homeworld of mankind, he wants to locate the nucleus egg of the Red Pain that an Empire Prophet seized a month ago.  The power would be disastrous in the hands of the enemy Empire, "a power capable of enslaving the myriad intelligent races that now call this system home."

He senses a chill and the distant sound of cracking like ice.  He feels minds, strong and alien, pushing through his defences. Through all his shields they speak to him, "human. We can help in what you seek.  Expect us. Soon".  Old Man Prophet pulls himself back and leaves the shipskin.

He returns to his parked ship, it was taken from the Pirate Lords of The Body City and "flown to the green hills of Earth".   He walks crouched through corridors made for shorter beings.  He sees "new friends in a new home."  It's the first time he has lived with other Prophets since the last war and he is having to learn not to see them as just the enemy.

FreeJohn contemplates Earth.

He climbs to the top of the ship and sitting on the roof is FreeJohn, who says "strange. To know this world and yet be so unsure if it is new to my eyes."  FreeJohn asks why Old Man Prophet is still wearing his helmet aren't the "Basidian spores" enough to guard his mind?  Old Man Prophet says he has little trust and the last time he unmasked he thought the war was over.

FreeJohn: " I see those around, this world and all I've seen of space corrupted by the Empire that grew us. If war is the only tool we are given to turn the tides. Then war we must."

Old Man Prophet sees his own ideals reflected back at him with clarity.  He looks down and sees John-Ka sparring with Rein-East.  He mentions that they should expect the visitors he made contact with soon. "Friend or foe?" asks FreeJohn. Old Man Prophet says it remains to be seen.

He says he doesn't like the idea of putting more faith in God-beings "but what other choices are mortals given?"  The armies are counting on them to lead so lead they must. The armies have gathered in a huge tent city, today there is going to be a competition between champions for the honour of their clans and entertainment of their comrades.

John-Greenknife gathers wood to feed their living starship.  He feels more at home in the tent city than amongst his own clones. Suddenly he comes across a strange scene, "blind monks chanting to a poly crystalline child".  John-Greenknife runs to alert Old Man Prophet and FreeJohn. It seems their allies have arrived, "crystal priests from the far west".  They have come to talk of war but have found revelry and have their own champion for the arena competition the mass group of waiting aliens have decided to have..

The Crystal beings prove their strength.

So the contest begins and the Crystal Priest's champion defeats all, there are no deaths as it did not need to spill blood to show its power.  Afterwards they have a summit with the Crystal-Blessed inside a "Qid-Pid" Starship.   To defeat the Man-Empire they must take the communication towers, but the Priest-King notes they have too few in their army to achieve that.  They want to get rid of the Man-Empire too and they also know where it keeps its secrets, the Red Nucleus.

FreeJohn asks what they want in trade? The Priest-King says their goals are one.  But they need the King's brother "High Kumandan Osmeka" killing as his hatred for humans has blinded him.  In order for their armies to join theirs he needs to be got rid of to clear the way. They put all the information in a crystal ring.  Old Man Prophet says Diehard will go, but the King says a human is needed for a mission so delicate.  So John-Ka volunteers.  She is handed the crystal ring and asks if she will kill him with this or her blade which delights the King.

John Ka accepts the misson.

She climbs aboard Hiyanhoiagn and they fly off. Waiting outside the camp are the "pilgrim-cities of the Crystal-Blessed" marching to the crystal's call.  The King watches them. They seek the freedom of the tower to better commune with the All-Crystal, the Empire is enemy to all.

We then see inside one of the towers.  A lone Star Prophet carries a precious cargo.  It is "the nucleus-heart of the Red pain's living nebula."  The Brain Mothers there say it must be kept secret.   Elsewhere the four-armed "World Raper, High Arc Lord Multi-Muitox" is finishing off some resistance to the Imperial Sword.  He appeared briefly in an earlier episode, Old Man Prophet cut off one of his arms which he replaced with a steel one to remind himself who did it.

John-Strykhnos arrives, his most trusted eye.  They go inside Muitox's ship to be safe from prying minds.  The John tells him that something passed through the towers that the All-Mother's would keep for themselves.  Muitox shows him repurposed clone tanks, growing Prophets of his own that will be free of Brain Mother control.

Moitox asks where the item is now?  John tells him they have taken it to "Mentis-Keep".  He consults with his tank grown psychics which are strong enough to hide his ships lower rooms from Imperial minds.  They tell him to strike now, "on your word we will open the way".  Muitox tells them to do so and their minds push out as one.  He finds a lone Brain Mother and kills her and takes her crown shield and puts it on.  Hours later his ship reaches Mentis-Keep, a sanctuary for Earthbound Brain-Mothers.

World Raper, High Arc Lord Multi-Muitox

He gets out of his ship along with his own Prophets.  He is greeted by a Brain Mother's projection of her young girl self and he tells her she has no power here.  The Wolf-Rayet traitor (Old Man Prophet) was the only one who grew his own soldiers he says.  He is taking control of the Empire:

Muitox: "Our Empire.  You parasites will no longer be needed."

Then a fight breaks out between Johns who are on the Brain Mother's side and Moitox's FreeJohns.  Muitox's clones cut a swathe through the Empire Johns, "the Brain Mothers are no match for cold steel." He is drawn to the nucleus and he alone reaches the room it is in, "calling him to it.  It is a pain that hurts to not be part of. With a touch.  It consumes him".
We then return to Exmere, the psychic self of a long gone Brain Mother who has been cut off from the communal mind and has been journeying through the system alone.  But suddenly she feels something, Imperial minds united in pain, "a cry from Earth".  As she gets closer she sees a red mass made up of a "multitude of torn minds, screaming in unison.  Screaming with unfocused red rage".

It sees her and she blasts her way through it to find one mind in the middle stronger than the others, which interests her. She travels deeper and finds Muitox lost within the nucleus' power.   Her mind form touches his and pulls it into focus, "it is an all consuming focus that devours the weaker minds surrounding it.  The red rage quiets into a calm."  And the thing that was once Multi-Moitox opens his thoughts to the Red Mother Exmere.

Muitox and Exmere meet in the Red Pain.

Hiyonhoiagn flies west through the cool midday air, then drops his cargo, John-Ka in a cocoon of pink shipskin. Her destination is "Yuinaika" the stronghold of the southern anti-human armies.  Behind the walls is the target High Kumandan Osmeka.  There is an unguarded entry point just as the Crystal Priest promised.  The shipskin can't go further with her and she climbs into the tunnel alone.

Inside she finds Diehard, and Rein-East too.  They flew in before sunrise and Rein is asleep right now.  John-Ka asks is Old Man Prophet didn't trust her? Diehard says "you he trusts.  You wouldn't be here otherwise.  It's the Crystal Priest he has far less faith in."  John-Ka takes out a brand new "brainfly" she grew for this, they act as scouts for her.  They then check the crystal ring and see that in a day's time the target will be out in the open.

Checking the plan.

He sits back and tells her the whole mission stinks as bad as John suspected.  The place they are in now was emptied out for them, he can see blood on the floor.  He nibbles some food and when John-Ka says she didn't think he ate, he says he took on some new parts, "long ago I had my own tongue".  He notes that the Prophets' taste things differently from how old humans do.  She says the rations taste fine to her.

Later Rein-East wakes up.  She looks around for Diehard who she has a bit of a crush on, John-Ka says he went out a few hours ago.   He is walking the streets leaving bits of him behind as sentries.  He sees some Crystal-Blessed walking past towing a huge crystal.  The air becomes heavy with the psychic weight of the shard, "this mission is a spark in an already combustible situation".

He returns to John-Ka and Rein now somewhat skinny of body, his body parts will stay in contact with him and he hands them each a body part to hear through.  John-Ka gets into position as a crowd gather for the High Kumandan Osmeka.  Diehard through his bodyparts watches the armed Crystal-Blessed move towards the tower.   His arm tells John-Ka to pull off his finger, she does so and his hand goes walking off on its fingers.  She sees through her drone-fly's eyes. Finally the target comes into view.

Diehard uses his body to link them up.

He has a line of captured Prophets and a being armed with an executioner's axe.  His voice is just gutteral screams to her vat-grown ears.  She says she can end this now, it's "no way for Prophets to die."  Diehard tells her to wait.  Through th drone-fly's eyes she sees the first John get his head cut off.   Then Diehard's finger says she must get out of the tunnel now.  She brings the drone-fly back but also sees Kumandan Osmeka's head explode in gore. "That wasn't me!" she shouts.

She clambers onto the tunnel's outside roof with not a moment to spare as armed guards arrive.  Diehard against his better judgement frees the Empire clones.  He asks if they are ready to fight their way out and they say yes.  He tells Rein to get out quietly too, they'll all meet up at sundown.  John-Ka drops some gas bombs and Diehard and the Prophets battle their way through.

He sees Rein fighting too and joins her along with John-Ka who jumps down to where they both are.  A crystal warrior appears and slices up the Prophets.  Diehard, Rein and John-Ka manage to escape though.  They re-enter a tunnel underground and travel out of the city.  They sit and wait for all of Diehard's body parts to make their way back to him. He says to Rein as soon as he is whole they will travel back and warn John, "the priest's betrayal bodes ill for this war."  John-Ka sits apart with her brain-fly examining the crystal ring she was given.

Old Man Prophet chats with the treacherous Crystal-Priest.

We return to Old Man Prophet and the army, bolstered by the Crystal-Blessed, is on the march to war at "Thailli Vah".  Old Man Prophet is wearing a blue gelatinous thing round his neck called a "dolmantle".  It belonged to John-Greenknife's lover, the John Prophet who was first awakened on Earth and who activated the revival of all the Prophets everywhere, but who was killed at the end of the previous book after gaining self will.  John-Greenknife has given it to his "new father".

The towers come into view. The Crystal-Priest says that before the Man-Empire returned, generations of the Crystal-Blessed devoted their lives to rebuilding these towers.  Repairing centuries of damage and preparing the world for the All-Crystal. But the Empire slayed many, only some survived in the southern mountains. There is a loud humming sound the Crystal-Priests chant round the Crystal-Beasts until suddenly they metamorphosise into Crystal Titans.

Elsewhere far from the caravan, great hives of creatures are being upset and they are devouring one another.  They are being overridden by an outside mind.  The Red Pain nucleus with Exmere and Muitox is responsible, he says these animal minds are not enough to dull the pain.  Then he feels something calling and it must be heeded.  "Lead on Muitox" says Exmere.

The army assaults the towers.  Beneath the combined might of the Crystal-Blessed and the Free Armies, "the defences of the Earth Empire crumble."  Muitox and Exmere pass unconcerned over the battle, but they don't go unnoticed as Old Man Prophet senses a familiar Red Pain. The pain draws Muitox towards the towers focus, the entry to "bleed space".   His physical body is consumed to fuel the massive telekinetic output that drives them on, "only the power of Multi-Muitox and Red Exmere's will keeps their physical forms intact."

Ur-space.

They reach the tower's apex and break into bleed-space.  The Red Egg pushes farther, farther than living flesh can survive.  In a final desperate act they reach out with their minds to retain their link to the Red Shard and pass beyond the bleed.  The Red Egg returns to its birth dimension, "an ur-space beyond reality.  Where physical forms cannot follow".  Muitox and Exmere's psychic selves float in the both with their hands on the Red Shard.

Back on Earth, Diehard, John-Ka and Rein-East have made the rendezvous with Hiyonhoiagn but he's been injured by the Crystal-Blessed.  He tells Diehard to fly back and warn Old Man Prophet of the deceit.  So he leaves.  Hiyonhoiagn then says more are coming, they are tracking them via the crystal ring they gave John-Ka.  So he uses some shipskin to attach to the ring and float it away to divert those following it.

They will have to take the long way back to avoid their pursuers and John-Ka's brainfly shows her the Crystal-Blessed have found their trail.  The only option is to cross what looks like a sandy expanse but which is actually a creature grown by the Hoxiplotl as feeding temples for their cult.  John-Ka and Rein must lie on his back and make no noise while they quietly cross.

A stressful crossing for two of them.

Hiyonhoiagn makes his way silently across while John-Ka and Rein relax and enjoy the ride.  Suddenly John-Ka's stomach makes a loud rumble. And Hiyonhoiagn has to quietly side-step an appendage that shoots out to feel around for them.  Thankfully it doesn't find them.  The pursuing Crystal beings are not as subtle and the tentacles rip them apart.  Finally they make it across safely, "I would wish to never do that again" says Hiyonhoiagn.  But now they should keep moving.

We return to Muitox and Exmere suspended in blackness holding onto the Red Pain nucleus.  They discover form which appears around them and a giant female figure appears and says "few transcend Earth space" to them. She is Glory, another one of Rob Liefeld's creations.  She is a half demon demi-God who was conceived as a Wonder Woman rip-off and got a reinvention of her own a few year ago which I covered here and here.

Glory.

She holds out her hand to them, taking the Red Pain shard back. She says that here "I create new universes of my own". 

Narration: "Atop Glory's true titanic form, minds open.  They perceive beyond Glory into the vastness of ur-space.  They see the All-Crystal.  Vast, filling the void between universes.  Its power - and hunger - is overhwelming."

Back with Hiyonhoiagn, he is air-bourne again with Rein and John-Ka sleeping on him.  But they come under attack from a Xoan Vercia which launches missles at them.  John-Ka's brainfly deal with it but it was just a scout.

Down below the Xoan Krliah are feeding their Empire prisoners to Pit Larva.   John-Ka is angered at this sight and has to fight her anger to recall her brain fly.   Rein says to her that change is hard.  John-Ka says in the past she would have gone to war for those Empire lives.  Rein says she was prepared to die for revenge when she met this new family, "I think this life is better." They fly on.

In ur-space Exmere says she senses the crystals hunger for something.  Glory says they are massing where the membrane between ur-space and their world is thinnest.  Soon they wil break through and remake the world in their own image.   Muitox says "Bah! They will fail! The Earth is timeless!"

Exmere pleads with Glory says she knows she has left the Earth behind but she should consider what would be lost to the crystals now.  Glory tells her the Earth once meant much to her, "I would allow it if only for nostalgia."  She and Exmere open their minds to each other.  We see Glory's arrival on Earth a very long time ago.  Exmere born with the love of Earth "imbued through the song of her sisters." And we a montage of panels covering both their histories with Earth as Exmere takes over Glory's mind.

Red Exmere takes over.

Meanwhile on Earth now, the army have carved their way up to Thailli Vah. Old Man Prophet leads the assault on the tower and at the top they find the tether holding the "G.O.D satellite" in place.  But suddenly it transforms into "The Eye of All - gatekeeper to the Imperial afterlife". A legend now real and deadly. FreeJohn says if it can kill it can die.

But the Crystal-Priests start up a chant and the apparition ends up trapped and it's vessel destroyed as the "chant shakes the air like hammer against steel."   Old Man Prophet says it was just a psychic projection of a war-mother that he was too superstitious to see through.  FreeJohn says they all were and now it is time to attack the satellite itself, the shipskin surrounding them allowing them to fly up to it.

FreeJohn and Old Man Prophet reach the inside and fight off the Prophets in there.  Old Man Prophet honouring his side of the bargain as the crystal worshippers honoured theirs teleports the Crystal Host inside.  The Crystal Host walks with them to the war room and tells them that finally they will cut open the Bleed and welcome the All-Crystal into this universe.

FreeJohn saves Old Man Prophet.

Old Man Prophet says this was not what they agreed.  So the Crystal Host stabs him through the arm telling him "do not struggle against the inevitable".  FreeJohn grabs the sword hanging close by that was believed to belong to the original Prophet and cuts off Old Man Prophet's arm which was turning to crystal.  Elsewhere Diehard is racing back to them.

FreeJohn attacks the Crystal Host but it sends out a wave of projectiles.  Old Man Prophet manages to deflect them but FreeJohn isn't so fast and he dies, stabbed through the throat.  Old Man Prophet says he deserved better.  The Crystal Host says his matter like Old Man Prophet's will be transmuted as it can feel the All-Crystal passing into this space.

Glory SMASH!

Diehard cuts his way inside and blasts the Crystal Host. Hiyonhoiagn also speeds back with Rein-East and John Ka as the Bleed opens to ur-space and the All-Crystal within.  But something else comes through.

Narrator: "After thousands of years, the Amazon and demon-born super-being Glory returns to Earth, slave to Red Exmere's control. As the towers shatter, so too breaks the All-Crystal's portal to Earth-Space."

Diehard grabs Old Man Prophet and flies him to safety, they feel the Red Pain as they fly down.  Glory gains control of her mind again, catching the Red Pain shard that gave Exmere her power of control.  And with that, the Pain is and she is gone.

Afew days later everyone has gathered on the starship "Insulam Reverti".  Old Man Prophet and Diehard sit together and Old Man Prophet asks Diehard if he thinks of Earth as his home.  Diehard says the place he knew hasn't existed for a long time, "and where I felt most at home was not even that."

They invite Rein-East to come sit with them because they are talking like "old men" and Old Man Prophet begins to talk of what he remembers of the Scale homeworld. And with that the story comes to an end.  There are several pages of flashbacks and flashfowards but otherwise we have finished this series off.

Time to reminisce, it's an ending for now.

I'm truly sad this series has come to an end.  It was a slice of truly original and imginative hard SF pulp science-fiction and there was and is nothing quite like it in the rest of comicdom.  The main writer Brandon Graham and the team of artists have created a story where it doesn't matter if you don't follow it 100% you just get carried along anyway as the weird and wonderful unfurls before you.  I could have read about the exploits of Old Man Prophet, Diehard, Rein-East, Hiyonhoiagn and John-Ka for a long time.  As it is we do get a slight Deus Ex Machina with Glory's intervention destroying the Crystal threat, but it was nice to see her again and I am happy that she took the form of her reboot self, not the awful Rob Liefeld look.  I'm not sure why this exists as a seperate miniseries and not as the culmination of the main series, but there we are. I've spoken of the art and I'll say again that I love it for it's unusual look and it suits the content of the series completely, kudos to the art team of Brandon Graham, Simon Roy, Giannis Milogannis Ron Atkins, Grim Wilkins and Sandra Lanz.  Overall I'll say this is a series you'll want to keep coming back to, it is a densely written story that never talks down to the reader and expects you to accept everything it throws at you as it world builds even as the series comes to an end.  This was truly an object lesson in how to take a lot of embarrassing characters created during Image's first few years and reimagine them to show how Image has moved on in the years since.  Wonderful stuff and I am sorry to say goodbye to it and all the characters as they are now.

Saga Book 7 (#37-42)

"Families are goddamn wildfires.  They might start out small, but brother, watch them grow". - Hazel

Look we're up to Book 7 of this series and about a zillion different characters have appeared I can't summarise it all in one introduction.  If you haven't been following, go read the previous posts, go on shoo.  I always appreciate the hits.  Anyway this series by writer Brian K. Vaughn and artist Fiona Staples tells the story of a war between the planet of Landfall and its ornery little moon Wreath.  A war that has grown to encompass most of the galaxy as planets take sides and go to war as well.  But a Landfall woman called Alana and a Wreathian man called Marko fell in love, eloped and had a child called Hazel.  Much happened as they turned into something of target for both sides trying to cover up that they existed,  immediately prior to this book Hazel was captured and spent several years in a prison, after her family was split up due to events.  But finally she was rescued and one of her fellow prisoners a somewhat salty transwoman Wreathian called Petrichor came along as well.  Now the reunited Alana, Marko and Hazel are travelling back in their wooden spaceship to drop off Prince Robot VI and reunite him with his son after he got caught up in their shenanigans as Petrichor makes clothes for the new baby because Alana is pregnant again.   The story is narrated by Hazel from some point in the future and this six issue volume contains the first major arc, "The War For Phang".

Marko and Alana are watching their daughter sleep and are so happy to have her back.  Alana says they need to tell her she's going to have a sibling. Marko says she should take a test first, but Alana says she's late and craving roast beef sandwiches, "and those things completely gross me out unless I'm knocked up".  Marko says pregnacy between their species is a dangerous thing but Alana thinks everything they were taught about the incompatibility of their races was just propaganda to keep them apart.

Marko and Alana together with Hazel.

Marko says that Hazel is still processing how to be part of a family again, but Alana says she's five years old and pulled off something she never did, "my little girl's going to be a big sister."  She then embraces Marko and says "we are so fucking lucky".  And of course it's then something goes wrong with the ship.

Elsewhere onboard, Prince Robot VI is naked and trying to orgasm from masturbation, he tugs away saying, "come on, you bastard let's clear out this cannon before it backfires."  But he doesn't see to be having much luck and one of the images in his head is Alana.  Hazel comments that there had been a time when Prince Robot VI wanted to kill her parents with his both hands.  "Thankfully, my folks had a way of growing on people" she goes on to say.

Well some of them anyway.  Izabel the ghost babysitter is chatting with Petrichor who is spinning away making a romper suit, "earning my keep for our new prison wardens."  Izabel asks why not some nice maternity gear but Petrichor says she won't dress a "filthy Landfallian".  She is grateful for the ride but hopes Alana and Prince Robot VI gets sucked out during a hull breach.

She notes that Hazel is still missing her grandmother and all her friends from the detention area.   Izabel says she's been sitting for Hazel since she was a newborn, she'll be OK.  Petrichor wonders if she's told others she's trans.  Izabel says, "who even cares, Petri?"  Petrichor looks a little sad and replies quietly, "you have no idea."
Izabel said Hazel had to keep the truth of her own body a secret so she understands the value of privacy.   Petrichor asks if she does, Izabel points to her missing lower half saying, "lady, does it look like I give a shit what anybody's got going on below the waist?" 

Petrichor and Izabel.

Petrichor asks why Izabel chooses that form.  Izabel said it's because it was ow she looked last time she drew breath and also she has a sweet musical band T-shirt she got from the final show of "Pyrosis" before they broke up.   Petrichor is impressed Izabel saw them live.  Then the orange lights reach them and Hazel runs in saying "You guys, come quick.  Sounds like something real bad is happening!"

They all congregate in the engine room, including Prince Robot VI, "what have you sex criminals ruined this time?" It seems a fuel artery has sprung a leak and they are running on fumes.   If they toss the magic helmet into the furnace it'll get them enough thrust to reach the next system.   They have no alternative, they are going to have to land and refuel on Phang.

This godforsaken place was also caught up in the Landfall and Wreath war.   An exotic land made up of thousands of species who all hated each other.   They are ruled by either a duly elected president or dictator depending who you asked.  A violent insurrection rose up and the interstellar community was forced to choose between a government and its people.  So the Landfallians and Wreathians took opposing sides. The war was more for territory than helping the people of Pheng, the comet has fuel in spades.

Hazel: "Over the years, wave after wave of young soldiers gave their lives to ensure that their enemies never seized control of this motherlode. The locals had a pretty rough time of it too.  the infrastructure was a shambles, Phang was left with only one real export.  Refugees."

We then cut to Sophie and Lying Cat, now on Wreath.  Sophie admits she misses her home a little but everyone she loves are on Wreath.  Gwendolyn walks over to her and Sophie says she has applied to intern with a real Freelancer.

Sophie and Lying Cat.

Gwendolyn asks why she would let her best page do such a stupid thing. Sophie says she wants to pay her back, finish what The Will never did.  She says she saved enough to start paying her union dues, she wants to take care of Gwendolyn's evil ex-boyfriend, Marko.

Gwendoln says that's sweet of her but she is over Marko.  Sophie says that Marko is the reason Gwendolyn doesn't have a better job on Wreath.  Gwendolyn says it's not that simple and when Lying Cat starts saying "Lyin...ghh?" he finds Gwendolyn's stick in her mouth.  She tells her to take a walk. Sophie pleads with her saying she knows how "abusive creeps like Marko think".  But Gwendolyn says it's time to find out if Sophie has any family left, Sophie asks why now, things can't get worse on Phang where she is from.

Back in the wooden spaceship and after some back and forth between them all regarding whose army did what to the comet the ship lands.

Hazel: "Every new world we visted was an adventure.  And few adventures ended worse than this."

Petrichor strides out and discovers a small, meerkat looking alien who says his name is Kurti and he is really hungry. When Petrichor tells him they have food inside, he asks will it be enough for all of them and over ten more pop up behind him.

Kurti.

Izabel tries to frighten them off with her illusion powers but Kurti and the others can see through them.  Prince Robot IV comes outside with Hazel and he and Izabel exchange a few insults.  Kurti says he doesn't understand, "wings and horns and ghosts and androids.. working together?"  Petrichor snaps, "fucking hardly."  Marko tells Kurti he and his wife are conscientious objectors.

Prince Robot VI says they are deserters "masquerading as peacemongers."  Petrichor agrees.  One of the other little aliens says they don't care who they are, their homes have been destroyed and they have been wandering for ages.  All they want is a little water and Hazel says they have lots and can she show them?  Marko and Alana share a look then say of course she can.

Marko tells Alana they can't turn them away in front of their daughter. Alana says she just wants to get out of here as fast as they can.  The comet's soil is rich with energy so it should take no time.  Hazel notes they were always bad at estimating how long things would take. They thought they'd be on Phang for a few hours, "we were there for six months".

The family grows.

We then cut to a very pregnant Alana, she is overseeing mealtime for the meerkat aliens.  One of them, the elder Jabarah gives her a bracelet to mark the birth of her son.  Alana says she doesn't know the sex of her baby but Jabarah says she knows by the way she holds her in her belly.  She thanks Alana saying their ship could have left weeks ago but it's been tasked with providing for the tribe.  "Our tribe" Jabarah says holding Alana's hand.

Elsewhere Marko and Petrichor are keeping an eye out for any fighting coming close by.  She says it was stupid to align with the clan of beasts.  Marko says they are saints, but Petrichor says that when she was stationed here one of them blew itself up at a checkpoint and killed three of her best men.  Marko says you can't judge a people based on the actions of a few.  Petrichor turns her back and says:

Petrichor: "Yes, I'm we aware of your niave beliefs.  I just hope I'm gone by the time you find out how wrong you've been."

Izabel finds Hazel and Kurt exploding bugs with Hazel's magic.  Izabel scolds them, but Hazel says she's not the boss of her and runs off. Future Hazel snarks, "what, like you were never a vicious little asshole when you were that age?"

Chekov's spell in action.

Watching, Price Robot VI says as his mother used to say "kids are a drag".  Izabel says she sounds like a "cunt".  Prince Robot VI says it's a fair assessment.   He's decided that he wants to be reunited with his son whose birthday is in a weeks time and he has no intention of missing it.  He's going to trek through several warzones to check an abandoned Robot Kingdom embassy in the hope he can find enough fuel to launch them off the place.

Izabel says she'll go, she can be his advance team. She's not doing it for him but for Hazel and her parents. He doesn't understand why she is so loyal to people have her in indetured servitude.  But Izabel says Marko and Alana have overpaid her.  They treated her like their flesh and blood and "they showed me the universe."

Hazel: "While my family enjoyed the world's longest pitstop, the various forces that wanted us dead were still hard at work. Some harder than others."

We then cut to The Will and his companion, a dog called Sweet Boy. He rings on a doorbell and a Wreathian woman answers.  He tells her he is trying to get in touch with Gwendolyn and the woman says that's her wife. Her name is Velour and tells The Will that Gwendolyn and Sophie are in Cerfurbo for a week, on "High Command business". The Will asks what kind of business and she says, "none of yours" and slams the door in his face.  Sweet Boy laughs as they walk away.

Izabel is doing some scouting and comes across a man with two heads, he's another Freelancer called The March and he has a little boar companion called "Bootstraps" (one of the heads appears to be female, but I'm going to stick with calling The March "him" just because it's easier, sorry).  He tells her he is looking for Marko, she denies knowing him but he says she can only be here if she had been attached to a baby.  Izabel babbles and tries to get away but he throws a lasso at her and actually captures her with it.

The March.

He tells her that "you ghouls aren't as untouchable as you'd like to think."  He says if she tells him where Marko is he'll let her go.   If she doesn't there is no coming back from the killing he'll inflict on her.  She says she doesn't want to die again, then defiantly asks if she should tell "the ugly bitch or the uglier bitch?"  He runs her through with his sword as Future Hazel remembers how she say the same things as she tucked her in at night, "Be a good girl tommorrow.. but not too good".  And Izabel explodes. Elsewhere Hazel cries out in pain as future Hazel muses, "No babysitter sticks around for ever... but the best ones never really leave you, do they?"

We then cut to Kurti as he brandishes a rifle he found, the others start playing with it and accidentally fire it.  Alana appears and asks what "the fuck is wrong with you kids?!"  Kurt whispers that she "said a cuss". Alana confiscates the weapon, then Hazel comes running in to the kitchen where the others are saying she can feel that Izabel has gone, she can feel it.

Prince Robot VI admits that she had gone to check for reserves of fuel, it's not like she could be killed again, "can she..?" Hazel cries that she was mean to her and now she's dead.   Marko says he is sure he can track her down. But Petrichor says she'll go and look for her, Marko is a wanted man whereas she most likely won't run into a soldier who knows her.

The Will is enjoying some downtime on Wreath in a titty bar.  He is contacted by his Freelancer rep who note he hasn't taken a job in months.  He says he'll get back to getting Marko and Alana and the baby, but he is told that assignment has been transferred to a "better-reveiewed" Freelancer - The March.  Insurance says he also failed his last drug test and so The Will is fired.

The Will, not in great shape right now.

Also the rep is shutting down so if he wants to appeal it'll have to be with a different one. Business is lousy for them right now.  A few years ago the powers that be would outsource their work but now they are happy to get their own hands dirty.  As he tells The Will this, The Will is being attacked by what appears to be the strippers boyfriend.

The Will tries to uses his lance on it but that was deactivated as soon as he was fired. He is no longer authorised to legally terminate individuals.  His rep wishes him luck as The Will breaks off the Wreathian mans horn and stabs him with it and he slumps to the floor as the Wreathian staggers off and the rep calls him "Billy", no longer is he The Will.

Back with our main cast, Hazel is sitting and thinking.  Kurti comes up to her as she asks if he believes in Paradise?   He says he does, and they wonder together what it must be like.  Hazel thinks it might just be "a fakey story they tell.  Like the Feather Fairy".  Kurti asks what the Feather Fairy is and Hazel tells him that one day a feather from her wings fell out and that scared her, but Izabel told her that the Feather Fairy would trade her a gift for every feather she put under her pillow.  But she just got marbles that Izabel put there.

Hazel: "There are no fairies.  It's just like Paradise, another made-up like they tell us so we won't be scared.  But we should be.  We should be scared."

Kurti is still pondering how Izabel could physically put marbles under her pillow.  Hazel says she is going to kiss him now and they gently kiss on the lips (Kurti is a kid too).

Hazel and Kurti get closer.

Petrichor is ready to leave to look for Izabel.  She insists of going alone, refusing to take the rifle saying they might need it. She tells Alana she has the future to think about, "and you've surrounded yourself with people who only think of the past."

We then cut to The March exploring the abandoned Robot Kingdom Embassy.  It looks like they all killed each other. One is still alive though missing his lower half, he asks for a bottle of "Juniperus" to drink before he expires.  The March says he'll pour him a drink if he tells him what happened here.

The March asks if this is to do with the current targets but the Ambassador says it's larger than that.  They uncovered something shocking they were going to share with their hosts here on Phang but there was a "disagreement" between them and the Royal Gaurd as to whethere or not this was a prudent course of action.

The plan is underway, "they intend to exterminate every living thing on this comet".  The March asks who the hell is "they", the Horns or the Wings?  The Ambassador just laughs saying "or?" and then expires.  The March says "dammit.  I always wanted to see how these freaks drink." And he downs the booze instead.

The March and Bootstraps.

We then return to Prince Robot VI having a dream, he's riding a pegasus and talking to his son, Squire who calls him a "good father, but a terrible man".  Prince Robot VI asks how he could call him a good father?  Then Squire turns into Izabel and he says he had worried he had lead her spirit to its doom.  She says he did but it's a far cry from the worst thing he's done and she turns into a girl with a hole in her forehead.

Watching him sleep and looking at the images playing across his screen are Hazel and Kurti who note that his dreams are always creepy.  Kurti says it's more interesting that reading sacred scrolls with his cousin.  He then tells her that with Izabel gone Hazel will be the sitter for the new baby because that's how it goes in his family. Hazel says it's not fair, she just got mum and dad back and now she has to share them.  Then Prince Robot VI wakes up and they run off as he yells at them.

Marko and Jabarah are watching a battle taking place in the distance.  He wonders why the Wreath forces to the north are suddenly retreating, they have the Landfallians outnumbered ten to one, "since when do my people run from those odds?"  Jabarah hands him a sword saying they should be prepared to fight.   But Marko refuses to take it saying he wants nothing to do with instruments of death again.

Jabarah says that he mustn't be scared, the blade is only as good or evil as the person who wields it. "I'm not fucking scared!" yells Marko.  He then asks Jabarah to forgive him, Phang was the first place he killed someone.  Holding a sword was as exhilarating as holding his daughter for the first time, "more so on my worst days". While they talk, The March is watching them through a telescope.

Marko admits his struggles with his violent nature to Jabarah.

Back on Wreath, Sophie and Gwendolyn are walking to a small shed. Gwendolyn tells Sophie if she isn't out in fifteen minutes, "tell my wife I died somewhere exotic".  She goes inside and down some steps into a larger underground room.  There she meets a Landfallian man called Gale.  Gwendolyn hands him a box saying it's exactly what "you assholes requested" and Lying Cat confirms she is telling the truth.

She says she is concerned for the rest of Phang, can they guarantee civilians won't be harmed.  Gale says they will relocate as many locals as possible, but this is foremost about "bringing a dignified end to a theatre of war that's already cost both our sides way to much."  She says is that all Phang is to them, a "theatre?"  Gale walks off saying that if anything goes wrong with this, Wreath High Command will have her executed long before she can rat them out to the press.  Neither of them notice Sophie was peeking behind them and heard it all.

Back on Phang, Petrichor is searching for Izabel.  Then a giant mushroom speaks to her saying perhaps it can help.   It says it's a "Bluecap" planted in places of conflict to remember the battles fought there.  Petrichor asks if she has seen a spirit pass this way.   The Bluecap says it hasn't, no one resides here anymore the peple were evacuated at gunpoint.  Petrichor asks why, what is coming?  The Bluecap tells her "the real question is... where are we going?" And we get a double page spread of Phang heading towards a giant figure floating in space.

Petrichor chats with a giant talking mushroom.

Back on Phang, Alana is examing her belly in the mirror. Prince Robot VI appears and asks if she is okay? She says the baby is just kicking hard. He says he wants to speak to her in private and the word "LUST" appears on his screen. Alana realises he is high.  He had kept the last of Yuma's Fadeaway stash himself and took it five minutes ago.

He says he sees himself in "high definition" and realises he has feelings for her and points his gun arm at her.  He tells her his feelings aren't sexual, he thinks she'll be " an excellent mother to my son". Then he puts the gun to his head and says, "please help him be a better man than I was."

Prince Robot VI is depressed.

Petrichor has returned and tells Jabarah that they're all going to die, she didn't find any sign of Izabel but the Bluecap told her why everyone is abandoning this comet, "we're about to crash into a goddamn Timesuck". Jabarah says the Bluecaps are unreliable, but Petrichor says she saw it and it'll happen within the hour.  Jabarah says God will keep their homeland safe, much to the vexation of Petrichor.  Then she asks why Jabarah is lookout and she says she relieved Marko so he could put Hazel and Kurt to bed.  Petrichor sniffs the air, picking up the scent of expensive bodywash, "or am I losing my mind?"

Inside Prince Robot VI is still holding his gun-arm to his head, "right. Safe travels then". Alana pleads with him not to do this, she says his son would be haunted by this.  Prince Robot VI says he is doing what's right and she sees an image of herself in bondage gear on his screen.  Prince Robot VI implores her to look away, then Marko comes in and the drugged up Prince points his gun at him.

As the words "Sorry" appear on his screen, he shouts "die Moon cunt" at Marko and blasts him, but Marko has his shield and manages to protect himself just being rendered unconcious.  Prince Robot VI realises what he's done but then Alana wallops him across the back of his head with an ornament and he's down for the count as well.

Meanwhile Hazel and Kurti are playing hide-and-seek. Unfortunately it's then that The March appears and grabs Kurti telling him that if he tells him where the family he is after is, he won't hurt him or his loved ones. Kurti just tells him his "breaths smell bad".  So The March holds his sword to Kurti's throat and walks out into the open saying he requests an audience with "foot soldier Marko".

Shit starts to go down.

Looking down Alana can only swear, "God fucking dammit".  The March says that his piggy Bootstraps followed Izabel's "stench" here, oh and he killed her and he'll do the same to Kurti unless Marko comes out.  Hazel is sitting with her hands over her ears while Future Hazel says it was always the sound of violence that bothered her more than the sight.

Hazel: "To this day, I still prefer the silence of space to the rhythmic din of worlds like my mom and dad's.  Peace always sounded nice... but peace and quiet is the dream".

We rejoin Sophie, Lying Cat and Gwendolyn.  Sophie is irritated that they are collaborating with Landfall.  Gwendolyn spouts some excuse that this is for the good of Wreath but before an argument can ensue, The Ex-Will, now just Billy appears with Sweet Boy. 

He tells them that he's come to try and make things right with his old partner Lying Cat and maybe Sophie could come with him and learn to be a proper Freelancer.  "Lying?" says Lying Cat.  He then admits he's not a Freelancer at the moment but he could start showing Sophie the ropes as he makes things right with the union.  Gwendolyn puts a protective hand on Sophie's shoulder.

Sophie says she can make her own decisions. She goes up to Billy and tells him she'll always be in his debt for rescuing her from the nightmare she was trapped in. 

Sophie: "But working with Gwendolyn has shown me there are ways to change the lives of millions, not just the individual men like you are paid to hurt."

Her place is on Wreath but if Lying Cat wants to go with him she won't stand in her way.  We then get a shot of Lying Cat siting between Billy and Sophie... then she slinks behind Sophie having made her choice.  Saddened Billy leaves them saying "Good luck with your politicking ladies" as he walks off into the sunset.

Oh Lying Cat, you so cute.

Back on Phang, The March is giving them one last chance to come out.  Hazel whimpers about what she is going to do, but Jabarah puts a hand over her mouth as Petrichor shushes her.  Then Alana appears armed with the rifle, "hurt the boy and I separate you two.  Painfully".  She says they'll pay double to get rid of him, but he says that she has no idea how much "the Moonies are willing to spend to have you and Marko eliminated". He goes onto say that actually they're fortunate he found them because they at least want their "half-breed kid alive" unlike the Landfallians who want them all dead.

Alana bluffs that Marko left weeks ago with Hazel, but perhaps they can make a deal for the other half-breed he left her with.  He calls her bluff and incapacitates her with his sword whip.  Petrichor mutters that the blast radius is too tight, she'll hurt Kurt as well.  At that, Hazel bites Jabarah's hand and able to speak, casts a spell that makes small explosions round The March which startles him into dropping Kurti.

He grins that it was a cute trick but now she should get down here and kiss her mama goodbye.  And then he is absolutely riddled with holes from the laser rifle and falls down dead in a pool of blood. Everyone looks on in paralysed shock as the shooter is revealed to be arch-pacifist Marko.

Marko will shed blood to defend his family.

On Wreath in Gwendolyn's home, Sophie is doing her hair and asks her what she thinks hell will be like.  She's feeling awful about what is going to happen to Phang.  Gwendolyn says that the only way they are damned to hell is if one of the countless lives they save turns out to be a mass murderer.  She also says that they are doing the people of Phang a favour, what have their lives been like "trapped in an endless crossfire of some asshole despot and whatever underfunded resistance he's up again this month?"

Sophie says she recognises that war can't be won without casualties, but how many are too many?  Gwendolyn says it varies by battlefield, she can't give her an exact number.  Sophie then asks is there really a hell?  Gwendolyn says of course there is and it's reserved for the Landfallians who started this.  She tells Sophie not to speak of this in front of Velour and Sophie says she wouldn't have mentioned this but she's been having bad dreams and... then Velour arrives with cupcakes and Sophie is happy again.

Inside the wooden spaceship, Prince Robot VI is tied to a chair, he wakes up and his first words are "Oh. Oh no.  Alana and her baby..?"  Marko says they're OK no thanks to him, he nearly got them all killed.

Prince Robot VI: "So why the bloody fuck haven't you cut off my head yet?"

Marko draws his sword saying, "good question" and moves to strike.  Then Petrichor appears saying he'll be cleaner to execute once they are out in the vacuum and she brings fuel!  Turns out The March left his vehicle outside their camp and she was able to drive back to the Robot Kingdom embassy and find some there, and Izabel is to thank for that.

Fuel! Time to go finally.

They are getting ready to go and hopefully will escape the Timesuck.  Alana and Hazel are rounding up the tribe who they have offered a ride to.   Hazel is drawing a thankyou card to give to her dad for killing The March, Alana isn't sure Marko would want one.  Then Jabarah comes up and returns Marko's blade saying they won't be coming.

Alana freaks out saying they'll all die.  But Jabarah has faith they'll escape.  Alana says even if they do there is nothing but ruins for them.  Jabarah says the Creator will provide for them.  Alana points the rifle at them ordering Jabarah to call her people now.  Jabarah bids her farewell saying that she hopes their new baby will be "as perfectly joyous as your first" and if they are looking for a name, "might I suggest Kurti?" In their tongue it means "sunshine" and she leaves.  Hazel says she didn't even get to say goodbye, Future Hazel reflects:

Hazel: "The more you care about someone, the more likely it is that your eventual parting of ways will be as sudden as it is baffling".

Meanwhile Billy is having hallucination sex with his dead old girlfriend The Stalk while his dead older sister The Brand watches.  His sister sighs and says there has got to be a more efficient way to masturbate than gnawing on tainted meat and fantasizing about old girlfriends.  Then suddenly Sweet Boy is shot in the head.  A masked figure appears and tells Billy he killed someone they loved, and they shoot Billy in the gut saying "... so this is gonna be a kind of process."

Then we cut to some Robots watching Phang and they say that it's going to pass through the Timesuck unscathed.  Then they are attacked by some Landfallians disguised as terrorist group The Last Revolution.  They take the controls of the observatory and insert the glowing cube Gwendolyn had passed onto Gale, saying "this is for all the guys Phang took from us."  And a white light spirals out of the observatory and into the mouth of the Timesuck.

I don't think my heart can take much more..

On Phang they all rush to the ship but it's knocked about and Alana takes a huge hit and the fuel cube falls out.  Now it's hot but Petrichor manages to pick it up and put it back and the ship blasts off.  Marko holds his ears to Alana's stomach and when she asks if he can hear the baby's heartbeat, he says nothing and starts to cry.  Future Hazel closes out this volume over the images of her parents weeping and Kurti dying on Phang with the following words:

Hazel: "You know that old cliche about millions of deaths being a statistic.. while the loss of one life is a tragedy?  If that's true, what is it when you lose something that never even had the chance to be born?"

There are five lights Brian! Five lights!!!

Jesus.  BKV you sadist.  Everytime I read a new volume I am filled with trepidation because I know I am going to get punched hard in the feels.  And this was the worst/best yet.  Giving us an adorable tribe of critters who WOULD have survived as their faith said they would if not for the rampant politicking that saw Phang designated a sacrifice.  And to have Gwendolyn, Sophie and Lying Cat be party to it is just horrible.  And while I guessed Alana might lose the baby, it still was rough when it happened.  They all seemed so happy before, living in a little community for five months until Izabel's death and the arrival of The March kicked things into high gear.  And losing her was a shock, she'd been in the story since day one.  While I am glad The March got killed, I just want to know what'll happen to his piggy Bootstraps.  I hope it snuck on the ship when no one was looking.  It's amazing how multi-layered the characters are, for example Prince Robot VI when he comes round his first thoughts are of Alana and the baby, not himself.  Who could have predicted that several volumes ago?  And The Will, now Billy is sympathetically portrayed on a huge downward spiral, Lying Cat's rejection of him, while a lovely moment for Sophie, manages to be a tragic one for him.  No one wants him and he's left poisoning himself to conjure visions to keep him company while he tries to wank.  BKV's writing is so impressive and it's married to art by Fiona Staples that just gets better and better.  There doesn't seem to be anything she can't imbue with depth and personality with her fine linework and delicate colouring.  She does ALL the art and there hasn't been a single fill-in artist since the story began.  Truly impressive.  Young Hazel is a spirited girl and it's cool seeing the beginnings of the snarky philosopher that Future Hazel will become in her.  Seeing her finally get to act like a kid, playing with Kurti and just hanging with someone her own age was lovely and of course makes the final images of his death all the more upsetting, I genuinely had tears in my eyes by then.  As per usual it'll feel like another long wait until Book Eight comes out now.

Rat Queens Book 1: Sass And Sorcery (#1-5)

"Why is it that wherever there's a Rat Queen, someone gets assaulted or a building destroyed" - Sawyer

Let's stick with the sword n'sorcery theme for my next post for Ladies Month. So, if it wasn't already apparent, I am a massive nerd.  And one thing I really love is fantasy roleplaying games.  Because I don't live close enough to a place I can play pen and paper rpgs with friends, I stick with the console ones and am currently juggling Skyrim's dlc, Diablo 3, Arcana Gothic 4 and Sacred 2 in between breaks writing this post. I also had a four year addiction to World of Warcraft so there's that too. One of my favourite shonen anime series is "Fairy Tail" which tells the story of a fantasy realm where various guilds compete for jobs to do and quests to go on.  Rat Queens has a sort of similar premise.  It follows the misadentures of the titular group as they booze, brawl and battle in the fantasy city of Palisade.  The group is all female, there is Hannah the Rockabilly Elven Mage, Violet the Hipster Dawrven Fighter, Dee the Atheist Human Cleric and Betty the Smidgen Thief.  Anyone who has played a roleplaying game will be familiar with those classes although the caveats attached to some of them make them less stereotypical.  The Rat Queens are Palisade's premier troublemakers and have a somewhat dysfunctional relationship with each other, so join me as we are introduced to their world as presented to us by writer Kurtis J.Weibe and artist Roc Upchurch and the plots and plans that they get themselves wrapped up in.

It starts with a town meeting discussing the threat posed by the Rat Queens; an elf is agitated abut them destroying her storefront, another says "what do you expect when a bunch of young people get rich quick and have nothing to do but drink".  Then a man is tossed through the window and we see the Rat Queens with Hannah saying "Now that's what I call a bar brawl".

L to R: Betty, Hannah, Dee, Violet.

Later a man called Sawyer is handing out quest assignments.  He tells the Rat Queens that they had promised to keep their parties away from town so to make up, they have to do one of the quests, "and before you ask, no, you don't get to choose."

Sawyer: "If you fail in your task, you are hereby banned from Palisade forever. And I get to punch each and every one of you in the face on the way out."

The Rat Queens are to clear the goblins out of Hindman Cave.  "Peaches" get to sack a bandit camp. "Four Daves" to deal with the restless dead at the cemetary.  "Brother Ponies" to slay the one-armed ogre at Mulch Hill and "Obsidian Darkness" to clean the toilets at the Winding Pass Barracks.

As they leave, Hannah complains to Sawyer that Goblins never have any loot.   He tells her to keep the fighting outside Palisade if they want better jobs.   He says he can't vouch for them anymore and now "Mayor Kane wants you gone".  Hannah grumbles that they do keep to the town outskirts. Sawyer says they don't and "now you're more dangerous than the monsters".

One fuck is given to Peaches.

One of the members of Peaches taunts them about the fact they'll have loot and the Rat Queens won't.  Hannah gives her the finger.  She returns to the rest of the Rat Queens and says Sawyer won't be swayed. Violet says they can sit around bitching or make some monsters bleed, "And my sword is hungry for blood".  Elsewhere, Obsidian Darkness go to where they are to clean "your excrement hole" but a shadowy figure cuts them all to pieces.

Climbing the hill to the goblin lair Betty is grumbling that Hannah attacked Faeyri who was making out with Betty over an innocent comment.   Hannah says she started the brawl that got them out here.  Betty says she was sweet and intense and it was true, "Hannah does need to get laid." Violet responds that she thought, "the way you were going at it, I figured you were getting laid for all of us".

Dee says she never saw the right hook coming, "it was beautiful".  They stop to have lunch, Dee says "thank N'rygoth.  I'm starving".  Violet asks why she says that if she doesn't believe in any God. "Old habit" says Dee, "once a N'rygoth cultist, always a N'rygoth cultist".  Dee then says anti-grace:

Dee: "I, Dee.  A reformed acolyte from the blood drinking, squid worshipping sect of N'Rygoth will not lead us in prayer.  So for the love of his grotesque and misshapen ballsack, dole out the damn food."

Betty open the bag which contains candy and magic mushrooms.  The others are not pleased, but Betty says candy is awesome and doing mushrooms together is fun.

Don't mock the sweets and drugs diet. Works for me!

Hannah then gets a call via her magic rune covered stone.  It's her parents, she tells her mum to tell her dad she's in a "relationship with a Half-orc and we're ring shopping".  She hang up saying "that'll make him shit his pantaloons".  Dee is envious of her gadgets, but Hannah says:

Hannah: "No matter how amazing the relics I own may seem, just try to keep in mind that they're infused with the tortured souls of the dead by the hand of two seriously demented necromancers".

The arrive at the cave and Betty is sent inside to check for traps. As she searches she says to herself, "oh lovely Faeyri I will return to you!" Then she bumps into some boots. They belong to a black clad assassin who immdiately attcks them.  Hannah conjures up a shield spell, then Violet charges him.

They clash and blows are struck, the assassin manages to slice into Violet's shoulder, then Betty slides between his legs and buries two daggers in his back.  He kicks her away.  Hannah uses an offensive spell  on him but the assassin conjures up black tentacles from the ground. Violet slices into him and the tentacles recede.

A single ninja is always more deadly then 100 ninjas.

Both sides stand down.  Hannah demand to know who hired him.  The man unmasks and says now they are marked, they will be destroyed. He starts talking about "the shadow of the order" and "we are the voice of death" but he is cut short by a troll crushing him under its huge club.

Violet yells at Hannah as to how the troll managed to sneak up on them, "you're the one with Elven eyes! Elven eyes!" Hannah shouts back that her mother is near-sighted and she is just the product of familial traits.  She supposes Violet loves dwarven ale because she's a dwarf.  Violet says she only drinks wine, also there are many types of dwarven beer.  Betty asks if they can "stow the racial slurs for now?  Giant troll just made man mash."

Violet says they hould form up for "the Betty Climber", Hannah says no way and starts "the White Screamer". She begins to cast a spell but the troll grabs her arm and snaps it gorily, then tosses her aside shouting "NEXT!" So they do the Betty Climber which involves Violet climbing on-top of Dee usuing her blades to climb its body, then Dee catapaulting Betty who grabs the sword left by Violet and flips onto its head before stabbing it in both eyes.

Time for the Betty Climber!

The troll falls and Betty stand holding her two daggers with troll eyeballs on them and says she has two fresh spell components for Hannah.  Dee attends to Hannah's injury, she snaps the arm back together and heals it with a spell.  Violet says they now have some business to attend to in Palisade, "uncover who exactly wants us dead".

Elsewhere Peaches have had two of their members killed by another mysterious man in black. Braga jumps out from behind cover tossing a cart wheel when Tizzie fires off a spell.  The man in black hits Braga with some magic arrows much to her annoyance, "you put an arrow in my favourite boob, fuckwit!"  And she cleaves the man in half.  She collapses and Tizzie holds her as she appears to die.

The Rat Queens are bemoaning their lack of cash, apart from Dee who says she's not sharing her savings with them. They come across Tizzie and Braga.  Violet tells Dee to check for survivors.  While she does so, Tizzie tells them they walked into a set-up like the Rat Queens did.  "I wonder who had the means and desire to organise this" ponders Hannah. The answer she believes is Mayor Kane.

Braga, she is also made of awsome.

Dee finds that Braga is still alive and heals her, but the other two members are beyond saving. "Part of the job.  No one lives forever" says Tizzie "Especially with you as leader" snarks Hannah.  Tizzie says she'll conjure  thorn bush in Hannah's asshole. Hannah says she'd summon a tree in Tizzie's "but I'm pretty sure there's a giant fucking stick up there already!" And they start fighting until Violet reminds them they have more important things to worry about.

Later they are honouring the dead at the tavern.  The Four Daves come in, they all made it, but they haven't seen anyone else. The Daves say they were ambushed by a powerful assassin as well.  Now everyone at the table is "all that's left of Palisade's adventuring parties".

Hannah: "Well then, who's ready to burn this shit-stain town to the ground?"

Later they are ambling down the main street singing rude songs where they are confronted by Lady Bernadette who says she is going to call the town watch. They carry on to where Sawyer is, Hannah tells him to move, they know Mayor Kane is trying to kill them.  Sawyer tells them to go home and sleep it off and talk about it when they are more sober.

Morning fruit.

Violet says he's right and pulls Hannah away, Hannah says she'll be back.  Next morning Betty wakes up hungover while Violet prepares sliced fruit for breakfast.   Betty asks where Hannah is, Violet says she left early. "To kill the Mayor?" says Betty.  "Ohhhh probably" responds Violet.  We then cut to Sawyer walking through the townhall, he opens the Mayor's office door and there is Sawyer. "Ahhh... fuck buckets" says actually-Hannah-disguised-Sawyer.

The next chapter begins with Hannah in jail and Sawyer sat outside her cell chatting with her. He says inpersonating him is a new low. She says she wasn't going to do anything to the mayor.  He says he thought he knew her, she says she's the same as she always was, "I can't help if you made me out to be someone I wasn't".

Irritably he says he's getting tired of her act and is of a mind to let her stew there for a while until she learns something. "I went to university I know everything" retorts Hannah.  She then lays out the facts that someone hired assassins to wipe out all the adventuring parties.  Sawyer says but he gave out the quests he could have done it, but Hannah scoffs and calls him a "man puppy".

He goes on to tell them that everyone who got a quest got them from an outside source the mayor wasn't involved with. Sawyer then says to Hannah:

Sawyer: "And since I know you're going to resolve this matter on your own terms no matter what I say, just do one thing for me please... don't kill everybody and run our streets red with blood."

Then he changes the subject and ask how she's been.  She says not much, killed a troll.  They share a laugh over it then get awkward over the sudden intimacy.  Then he lets her go saying he's glad she made it out alive and to try and keep things peaceful with the merchants guild.

We then cut to Betty arriving at a house holding a bunch of flowers.  Faeyri opens the door, and they have a chat. Faeryi tells her she was having a great time until her friend who can't take a joke showed up.  Betty apologises.  Faeryi says she's "moved on from the crazy, bar brawling era of my life".  She just doesn't want the extra drama in her life and she kisses Betty saying "When you understand what I mean, I'll be around".  She shuts the door and Betty leaves sadly.

Crushed.

She returns to the team's house where they are practising in the training room.  They fill Betty in on what's happening and she realises they want her to break into the merchant's building.  Betty and Dee then go to the merchants guild, there they meet one of the members of the guild.  Dee tells him they have amassed considerable savings and are interested in partnering with them in a new business interest.

Dee then asks what they could offer, he tells them there would be a connection to the sea trade, foreign markets and absolute loyalty and funding for an expansion of business or simple maintenance "at very reasonable rates".  Betty grabs him and says his rates are too high.  When he says he hadn't given them any numbers, Betty says he's not willing to negociate, so she and Dee leave.  As they do do, Betty jumps on Dee's back and Dee tell her, "Betty, you are by far the strangest Smidgen I've ever met."

Violet is busy hacking up training dummies when a red bearded dwarf comes up and tells her that her form is "sloppy".  When she tell him it's good enough for killing monsters he says that's "disappointing".   Violet snaps she's finding meaning in her life and how did he find her?  He says "you've been on this foolish journey of self discovery long enough".  He wants to know where her beard is, where is her respect for tradition?  Then they get into a sword fight with each other.

Violet takes on her brother.

It ends with Violet hitting the dwarf's sword so hard it shatters.  The others arrive and ask if they want his ass beaten into the ground.  The dwarf can't believe she left everything "for this? For them?" She finally gives him a name, "no Barrie.  I left for me.  Now.. go away"  As he leaves, the others ask who he was:

Violet: "Oh... you know... just the most important person in my life... Barrie Blackforge... my twin brother".

They all get together round a table to discuss what they discovered at the merchant's guild.  Betty says it wasn't them who ordered the killings.

She says from the seawater stains on his scroll he had only arrived back this morning.  His Jade charm is super-rare, found a two week journey away.  He'd stopped wearing his wedding ring recently.  The window in his office is trapped, impossible to disarm, from the outside, "even for me". And behind his painting he has something secret hidden.

Dee says so the head merchant was away when this happened, but what did the wedding ring thing mean?  Betty says he was just sad, "people can get so lost sometimes". Hannah wants to know how they'll get into his trapped office, and fortunately Betty swiped the key as they left.

Later that night she sneaks into the merchants office. She opens a secret cupboard to fnd a bunch of contracts.  She find one for Bernadette who owns the store they smashed up and has had to take out a large loan to cover it.  Betty muses that "us Queens are kinda sorta responsible for that fifty gold loan". She leaves the merchants guild and arriving at Bernadette's shop she is attacked by an assassin who Bernadette commands "that you kill them to fucking death this time.  You can start with her".

Sawyer has mysterious past, ooooh.

Betty is beaten up, falling at the feet of Sawyer.  Bernadette shouts at him saying, "If you'd just...done your job Sawyer!  This wouldn't have been necessary".   Sawyer draws his sword and cuts down the assassin who recognises him from the past.  Betty says that was amazing.  "Now you know why I'm captain of the guard" says Sawyer.  He arrests Bernadette, and Betty says she'll keep his secret regarding the assassin knowing him. Betty says "we've all got secrets, Sawyer believe it or not".

Bernadette starts ranting that people will not accept "the boorish antics of those despicable mercenaries forever".  She says she's not the only one who's noticed the Rat Queen's criminal immunity.  She says she gives two shits about the town as it's destroyed around them. Her arrest will be a rallying cry and her store will stand "proud and strong". Then something large lands on the three of them.

They stand and Betty says the Rat Queens "had nothing to do with that random sky ball".  Sawyer asks a guard what's happening. Palisade is under attack, "something about blood vengeance against the Rat Queens".  Sawyer points his sword at Bernadette and says he can find her wherever she runs to.  The rest of the Rat Queens arrive on the scene and Betty fills them in.

A troll comes to Palisade.

Outside the city walls is an army of trolls and orcs.  The leader bellows "you cunts killed my boyfriend!" Sawyer asks what they want.  The troll responds "send out the piss gobblers and we won't smash this town to rubble". Violet thinks they should hand themselves over, while Betty says it was Bernadette's fault they were at the cave in the first place.

Violet says they are a threat to the town, she says she is going to face the troll "do something good for a change". Then Braga appears and says, "Orcs only know one language.  Blood.  I'm the fucking alphabet."  Violet says that's a great line.  Braga grabs Betty to watch her back.  Then leading the charge she rushes out and starts hacking orcs up.  They recognise her and two of them says "It's her... we're fucked."

A lengthy and bloody battle commences, limbs are chopped offf, heads removed, orcs are peppered with arrows.  But sheer numbers of orcs starts to wear them down and Violet takes a blade to the gut.  Hannah uses a spell to clear the immediate area but more swarm in.  Then the troll hurls a boulder at the town walls and creates a hole.  But then help arrives in the form of The Four Daves.  "Ready to die honourably?" says their leader.

As the fighting carries on Bernadette starts to pack to leave town.  The head merchant finds her and says she told him "this assassination silliness" wouldn't come back to him and he loaned her the gold in good faith. She says it had "nothing to do with you Gerrig".  But Gerrig says he is calling in his debt and grabs her by the throat.

Things are looking bleak...

Outside the orcs are briefly distracted by the illusion of a naked lady orc and get murderised.  Sawyer's guards fire arrows into the troll.  Hannah's staff runs out of power just as an orc attacks. Violet hurls her sword and takes the orc down but then gets an arrow through the throat. Dee runs to her, and Hannah in a rage uses two wands to slash and stab and zap several orcs.

Betty pleads for someone to save her friends.  One of the Daves picks Violet up and carries her away.  With Braga still enthuiastically killing and the help of the rest of the Daves the orcs break and begin to flee.  Hannah is facing down the troll alone.  The troll brings down her club, Hannah uses her wands to cast a spell.  It causes the club to reverse direction and smack the troll in the face.  With the troll downed she casts another spell that explodes messily.  Then Betty comes and gets her saying it's over.

Braga tells one of the Daves he's sexy when he's killing stuff. He responds "I think you take the sexy killing cake, Braga.  Damn".  Braga then tells Hannah she did nice work on the troll.  Hannah says she had it coming "no one calls my friends cunts but me".

Later at their house, Violet is in bed.  Dee says they used every drop of healing on her.  Hannah thanks Dave for helping get her to safety.  She notes he has bluebirds in his beard.

Dave: "Yeah, I know.  Happens whenever I heal someone.  Pops called 'em the buebirds of healing, my beard is their magical home".

Dee decides she is going after Bernadette and Hannah says she'll come.  Betty says they shouldn't and Sawyer said he'd handle it.  But Hannah and Dee want revenge.  Violet then comes too, "nothing like a brush with death to... make you realise what you really want..."  And what she wants is for them to leave Bernadette alone and second she wants a party tonight, she wants to get drunk and high and have sex with orc Dave.  "They can happen in any order or all at once" she says.

But they won so partay!!

So that night they have a big party. Violet ponders regrowing her beard.  Dee is hiding behind a book.  Hannah and her friend are playing around with a magical bong and Betty is serving cocktails.  Faeryi appears and holding Betty's chin, smiles and asks her to "show me what you got."  Violet is snogging Dave with the bluebirds in his beard.  She says he's hers tonight, he asks if she should get rid of the birds, she says no and "shut up and let's go."

Sawyer shows up to talk to Hannah.  He says they checked Bernadette's place and found all the evidence they needed.  But she has disappeared and he doesn't think it was by choice, "sorry you aren't going to get the resolution you're hoping for".  Hannah then asks if they can get drunk until they puke for old times sake?

The book then ends with a flashback of Dee leaving her devout family and then back in the present with Gerrig giving a speech to a bound and gagged Bernadette.  He says he's been traveling the world in search of an answer to the suffering inside him.  An emptiness his wife filled before she was taken from him.  He's found something, now he needs to understand it.  Bernadette is going to help.  He wants to practice everything so the person who took her from him suffers as he's suffered, "Sawyer Silver will regret the day he murdered my wife".

Dee's departure and discovery of a mysterious document connected to it.

This book was a lot of fun and also a testemant to how important bricks and mortar comic stores still are.  If I hadn't been browsing the offers section of my local Travelling Man, I'd never have come across this little gem.  As I said in the intro I am a huge fan of fantasy roleplaying so a comic that plays around with various fantasy gaming tropes is right up my street.  Then four main characters are well drawn and very different from each other and it's always enjoyable seeing women get to be drunken, bawdy roustabouts.  The dialogue and jokes are funny, the art is a little rough round the edges but gets the job done and I especially like the design work of each of the four Rat Queens.  Other characters like Sawyer are well drawn, but really the focus is on the four women, with plenty of hints dropped for exploration in further volumes (there are apparently two more, then the comic went on hiatus in 2016 for a while for, well, reasons.... take it to the comments people).  My favourite character is Betty, not just because she's a lesbian but I like her intuition like her Sherlock Scan of Gerrig in his office which paid off on the final page.  Of the four Dee was a little sidelined so I hope she gets some focus in later volumes which I shall definitely be buying and writing up here.  Once again Image comics gives us a confident comic with great female characters, how different from how they started out.  Good stuff all round.