Clean Room Book 3: Waiting For The Stars To Fall (#13-18)

"Fuck, oh fuck.  We're stuck here" - Chloe

Ah once again apologies for a late posting, been tech apocalypse for me lately.  Got the scanner working again, the laptop remains at the menders, anyway we wrap up this ladies month with a story by Gail Simone the final six isues of what promised to be season one of Clean Room, so apparently it's not gone for good except nothing bar a single tweet from Jan 2017 said Clean Room would be back.  This is a complex tale which revolves around two very different women.  The first is Astrid Mueller, when she was a young girl she had an accident that ever since has allowed her to see monsters that are disguised as people or living inside them or attached to them.  When she grew up she formed a Scientology style cult with the revelation of what lies out there given to those who attain the highest echelon.  The second woman involved is Chloe Pierce, whose boyfriend was a member of Astrid's organisation and killed himself up learning the awful truth.  At first Chloe was determined to figure out what the scam was being performed by Astrid but she gradually found herself part of Astrid's world.  One way is that she too can shape the visions of the titular Clean Room where patients of counselled about the terrifying thoughts and visions he creatures are giving them as Astrid manifests the beings inside there.  But last volume, Astrid was nearly assassinated by her brother Peter, Chloe is able to heal her via a friendly one of the aliens called Spark, who also saved  Chloe from the ministrations of The Butcher back in her home as well. The last book ended with two of Astrid's "rooks" implicated in the assassination attempt and Astrid looking at her baby niece and seeing a monster instead.  That's the most important stuff that happened, but these books really are cramful of events also you might notice that the main artist is no longer Jon Davis-Hunt but Walter Geovani, more thoughts on that in the conclusion.  Anyway, lets be getting along.

We start with a chubby middle-aged man called Mr. Tubbins being dropped off by a mountain path where he carries a briefcase to a muscular young man called Mr. Webber.  Tubbin's shows a picture of the mutated creature that is Astrid's neice.  When Tubbins tells Webber who the aunt is, Webber thanks him and tells him to do the right thing and as Tubbins throws himself off the cliff, Webber ponders the existance of "a child."  Then we get a full page of his face in which the left side is horrificially mutilated.

Back at Astrid's HQ, The Honest World Foundation in Chicago, Duncan and Killian the two Rooks who betrayed Astrid are called in to see her in The Room.  Both are forced to wear uniforms that newbies wear, and when confronted by Astrid, she quietly demands to know if they know what they have done.  When they tell her why, Ducan saying he wanted to save his boyfriend from "unimaginable torture" while Killian says they let the entity go free because he saved them:

Astrid: "No.  The answer is that you betrayed me."

She contemplates how to punish them and demands to know their worst memory.  Duncan says the first man who ever loved him was killed by a snipers bullet in Afghanistan, he had to as him off him.  Killian says it was discovering her mother dead from ovarian cancer aged fice.  Astrid stalks out leaving them in the room saying they are going to relive those moments.  But she can't go through with it and runs back into the room, she hugs them both saying "forgive me. Forgive me."

Astrid apologises to Killian and Duncan.

She pulls back and recovers her composure and tells them they are on probation, their previous loyalty and service has been more than adequate.  Io her assisstant is surprised, she's never seen Astrid apologise to anyone.  After checking out some potential new Rooks none of which measure up,  we cut to Chloe having a barbecue with the three Haverlin brothers who are her neighbours and Avil her new boyfriend.  They clink beer bottles and drink to "loyal trustworthy friends."

Then Astrid shows up with Io and Capone.  Chloe reacts badly to seeing her saying she has brought nothing "but death and misery to my life" so she should get lost.  But the Haverlins say she isn't being neighbourly and that everyone is invited to their cookout.  Astrid cautiously asks "I'd like a wiener please, kind sir".  When Io says she'll get her some water, Astrid says in fact she'll have a beer.

The two women with her are amazed because they have only ever seen Astrid do things like eat crackers with a knife and fork.   Astrid sits down and apologises for the interupting, she says Chloe has a nice life:

Astrid: "What you said about pain all around.  That is the cost, Chloe.  That is the cost of having your eyes opened.  I can't close my eyes again.  Can you?"

She goes on to say she has one friend in her life.  Her name is Anika from New Mexico.  The beings took her up at age seveteen and experimented on her for amusement.  Now her right side is that of a young woman and her left side that of a one hundred year old crone.  "No reason.  No motive.  They did it to be mean.  A lifetime of pain, waking up each day wanting to die.  It made them laugh".

Astrid attends the barbecue.

Chloe asks her why she is here now and Astrid asks her to come and be her Rook, "you have gifts they do not.  Come help me save the world." Chloe stammers that she can't leave the life she has here.  Astrid says she'll give the life she has purpose.  Chloe says will she answer her questions.  When Astrid says she'd have to be cautious about that, Chloe gets angry and straight out demands to know who the entities are.

Astrid pauses then lets out what she knows.  The entities come from another place, she isn't sure if it's another dimension, galaxy or even hell itself. But they have been here a very long time. Earth is a distant outpost, "their devil's island."  The entities they send here are the outcasts of their species, the sadists, the torturers and the rapists.  Their culture has no death penalty and so they are sent here where they can live without supervision, "because we are no sufficiently advanced to matter."

Chloe asks why they bother if they are so advanced, and Astrid says thet are bored, "thousands of years in a lightless cave, only us to torment.  Waiting for something."  She exhorts Chloe again to come with her and she'll show her what they've waited for.

We cut to the Clean Room. Inside is Astrid and Chloe and a baby of around a year old.  Astrid asks Chloe what she sees and Chloe says she sees a beautiful little girl.  Astrid addresses the child asking if she has something she wants to say to her?  The baby erupts into a monstrous being hurling threats and obscentities at her finally says "we're coming.  We're all coming, bitch monkey!"  Then it mentally forces the guard with them to shoot himself in the head before saying to Chloe, "Philip says hello". Philip being her dead fiancee's name.

Chloe meets hell baby Derica.

Outside the institute, a skinny man with long hair dyed like Astrid's and a pink T-shirt with "#1 Astrid Mueller Fan" on it holding a bunch of balloons with Astrid's face on them is trying to get into the building.  He is being rebuffed for not having an appointment but he says it's important she talk to him because he's her number one fan.

Back in the Clean Room, Astrid is her usual unflappable self while Chloe is freaking out at what the baby is telling them, that they plan to make a bridge out of humans.  She thinks to herself:

Chloe: "Just one time I wanted to be Lois Lane.  I just wanted to do important work.  Reveal the kind of massive truths that could actually help people.  I didn't want to see any deeper than that.  Not really.  Fuck me.  Too late.  Too late."

We get a lovely double page spread of said human-bridge with the baby saying they'll walk on their faces wearing shoes with nails in all the way home "and there are so many of us, Astrid. So many."

Red Flag! Red Flag!

Chloe demands to know why they hate humans so much, humans are already scared of them so what does this achieve?  The baby holds up a brick and says "because the cow goes moo, Chloe."  Then it tells her she was pregnant when her fiancee killed himself, and her baby is dead now "while a monster like me lives to do the most awful things".  Chloe finally now realises how Philip, who had seen so much brutality in Afghanistan and Iraq was unable to continue his life after finding out the truth behind the monsters, "I see it now, humanity gone, everything good in ashes and fire."

Then the hell baby causes the dead guard to rise up and start speaking with Philip's voice as it mocks Chloe.  Astrid decides it's time to put an end to this for now and orders a  "damn" big shockwave to be sent through the child monster knocking it out.  Astrid puts out a comforting hand to Chloe who suddenly notes she hadn't heard Astrid use a curse word before, "I think you were worried" she smiles at her.  Then she tells Astrid to repeat after her, "Fuck. Shit. Dick."  Astrid manages to say "Intercourse. Feaces. Thingie" and they embrace.

Derica gets zapped.

Chloe kisses her on the cheek and thanks her for shutting the hell baby up, "that's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. Maybe for anyone."  Astrid orders the hell baby to be taken back to the catacombs as it won't be out cold for long.  Then she is informed about the #1 Fan. His name is Artus Greenhand and he is obssessed with her.  He is in the "watch out for" file.  He maintains a website full of weird fanfic of him and Astrid being soul mates.  Astrid says she has no time for a deluded fan, but he knows about the child and he knows how to kill it, "but he says time is running out."

Astrid decides to get Chloe to evaluate Artus.  Chloe is the only other person who can bend the room to her will and Astrid is needed elsewhere.  Reluctantly Chloe agrees and takes Killian as her Rook to help her:

Chloe: "No more slacking on the job Killian.  You and I are going to fuck these space hemorrhoids up."

Inside the room, Chloe plants a big kiss on Killian's lips (Killian is a lesbian with a huge crush on Chloe).  Having done so she feels more confident while Killian is left somewhat weak at the knees "you could kill a girl with lips like that" she says.  Then Artus is led inside, his hands double cuffed, and he calls them "critters."

Chloe smooches with Killian.

Meanwhile Astrid is at the Institute Sick Bay where her brother Peter is securely strapped to the bed. He wakes with a start, and Astrid says she needs to ask him about Derica, the name of his neice the hell baby. He rages that she must keep her hands of her, that she is normal and fine.  Astrid says she is not and he knows she is not and he is going to help her figure out how to "kill her and burn the ashes".

Inside the Clean Room Artus is getting overwhelmed about being close to things Astrid has touched. He says he was expecting to be questioned by her, but Chloe says she is doing it so what does he know and how does he know it?  He says he is a hunter but one day:

Artus: "I got scratched  Dinged up right fierce. Almost bled out, right there. Since then, well I bin havin' all kinda revelations."

He says he can show them, so Chloe uses her ability and the Clean Room transforms.  To show a woman bound to a chair and gagged with lots of red haired wigs behind her.  Artus is seems is a serial killer of prostitutes, "they're just women.  Loose women.  Critters is what they are."

Then the Artus of the vision comes into the room with clippers ready to shave the woman.  Killian says they aren't ready to see this and to take them back.  But Chloe says they have to stick it out to find out what he knows about the child.  So vision Artus shaves the woman's head and staples a red wig to her scalp.  Chloe can't take his enjoyment anymore and punches real Artus then kicks him in the head when he is downed.

Artus gets a well deserved pwning.

Killian notes that's not how Astrid would have handled it, but she says "I heartily endorse your methods." Artus says he had a vision of the babe and how to destroy her, but he sees how it is.  Meanwhile Peter has admitted the terrible truth behind Derica, he joined an organisation which he thought was good and kind.  But they were all literally fucked by the aliens because they thought they were chosen ones. And Derica was born.

Back in the Clean Room real Artus rises saying he won't help them now and he's felt the room calling since he walked inside.   So he takes control of the room and going home and leaving them trapped inside with the vision version of himself which can now see Chloe and Killian who points a gun at them saying "well, well, well.  Lookie what we have here.  Critters."

We then take some time out for a look at how Astrid's organisation genuinely helps people in need, art by Sanya Anwar.  We see a man and a woman attending Trinity College.  The woman is reading a biography of Lewis Carroll, the man comes and flirts with her and when she says she never reads fiction he hands her Astrid Mueller's book then they go for a pint.  We get a whirlwind of images showing them together including getting married then we see her alone in bed "years later I knew what it meant to be bereft.  To be alone in a strange place".

Suddenly she hears her husband Ian calling her name, "Mary" and she sees him come into the room missing half a leg and with a smashed open skull, "and then I started screaming and forgot to stop, somehow."  She keeps seeing him again in her daily life, unable to let him go because he keeps coming back. She tried to read Astrid's novel which is three hundred words with no punctuation, "legend was that if you read it all, you gained tremendous personal power or went insane."  She decides it's not for her and gets Astrid's new book.

She also goes to therapy, "because this morning, in the shower? Ian handed me the soap".  Her therapist says it's grief related psychosis, her brain is putting him in places he used to be.  But Ian is standing behind her, and he's never been in this place before.  She gets prescribed anti-depressants. 

She loses her job and nearly loses her mind when she sees a meeting of the Honest World Foundation taking place.  She goes inside and they treat her with kindness immediately.  Ian appears and says he doesn't like this place, he sounds afraid like she'll abandon him despite that being exactly what she wants to do.

Mary is special!  Honest!

She sits in a one-on-one with a handsome young man.  He asks her some questions before hitting her with asking her if she has thought of fucking him since she came into the room.   She finally admits "a little".  He says that's fine and continues asking her innocuous questions mixed with personal ones.  Finally he checks her evaluation and is surprised and brings in some others.  Then he goes to her and says she has "unlimited potential.  Mary you could change the world."

Mary: "They looked at me and saw me for what I really am.  What I could be.  I couldn't wait to go through the adept program".

She journeys to the organisation's HQ catching Chloe leaving in a fury which happened in volume one.   Inside she is shown to a dorm room.  She is ordered aroun by a Rook called Terry but Astrid comes in and says to go easy on her as it's her first day.

Mary tells Astrid that she changed her life, Astrid gives her a long look then says she is glad.  Then she says she is there to achieve her potential and "enjoy your new life Mary". She attends meetings everyday, does visible volunteer work, hand out Astrid's books in the street a lot of which are taken by the homeless for warmth.  She is a "stone cold believer" by now.

When they hear one of their group is being made a Pawn, everyone celebrates.  But when he comes back to the dorm that night he doesn't smile and cries all night. Next morning he's gone and they weren't supposed to speak his name again.   Then she is told she is to do be an assisstant Eval technician.  They must listen to the person then say that the eval can't be right, then get a senior supervisory adherant and speak to them quietly then tell the person, "we've never seen a reading like yours.  It's off the scale.  Never even heard of one like this" and they then finish by saying they have unlimited potential and can change the world.

This reveal upsets Mary a lot and she starts crying often too.  Then she is called to meet Astrid and her new second-in-command.  She goes into the Clean Room and meets Astrid and Chloe.  She tries to explain herself but Astrid says it doesn't matter, she says Mary has been lying and time to see what it was all about.

The Clean Room changes to a bridge her husband died bungie jumping off, "the bereft day" Mary calls it.  As they look upon Ian and Mary about to jump Astrid tells Mary that Ian suffered from depression, delusions and more.  "His good natured spirit covered worlds of pain" she says.   Ian tells Mary that he's cut both of their lines so it will look like they were irresponsible "it's the only way Mary. The only way out".

Illusiory Ian jumps, but Mary doesn't.  Astrid says that was the only time she didn't follow him.  Real Mary says she should have jumped too.   They look upon Ian's broken body and Astrid says he wanted away from life that badly. "You can owe allegiance to love, Mary.  But this is not that" Astrid tells her.  Then she says she spoke to Ian, and he told her he's glad she didn't jump, "he wants you to be happy.  He wants you to be free."

Mary faces her worst day.

Mary jumps up mentally thanking God for bringing her Astrid Mueller. Astrid tells her to say goodbye and tommorrow they will find her a new place in her organisation. As Mary cradles Ian's body, Chloe says to Astrid she can't speak to the dead.  Astrid says she lied.

Astrid: "A kind person was being quietly destroyed by something that wasn't even remotely her doing.  Don't you wsh someone had cared enough to done that for us?"

And that ends this interlude with Mary making her peace over Ian's death.

We start the next chapter with Chloe talking with Philip outside their house.  He says beer, hot scary lovemaking and looking at the sun coming up, "it's never going to be anything better than this".  Chloe says he doesn't know that, he says if Astrid Mueller's right... but she cuts him off saying  can't he shut up about that woman and enjoy the moment?  He says her message seems to be enjoy what you have and make the most of every moment, but...

Philip: "Shame  I'm just the ghost of a memory and you're about to be shaved and slaughtered with a bad wig stapled onto your head. 'nother beer?"

And we return to Killian and Chloe trapped with the memory of Artus in his killing basement.  Killian says she thought the Clean Room showed memories not "timey-wimey bullshit" and she moves to take down Artus.  But Chloe tells her she saw someone attack Astrid with a knife in the Clean Room and when it became reality again she was still bleeding, "I don't know if it's a dream or what.  But dead is dead either way".  And Artus grins.

Elsewhere Astrid is visiting hell baby Derica.  The crib is wired up so "let's try and keep this civil."  Derica stands up and says she smelled Astrid's "stinkwater" as soon as she walked in.  Derica offers to show Astrid love and acceptance.  Astrid says she likes being alone.  She tells Derica she doesn't frighten her.  Derica says she will in time, they have such wonderful plans, "we were supposed to rule, but instead, we're exiled here with your filthy herd." They are going to "troll for souls... we're going to break you from the inside."

The Evil plan of Evil.

It'll start small but strange.  Twenty-four hours with no TV, internet or radio. Then they'll bring it back but with videos of what make them laugh. Then a plague of bus crashes around the world, including school buses.  Then dropping plans out of the sky.  So many shots of broken bloody bodies that people will get numb:

Derica: "They won't stop looking, but they won't really do anything will they? You are a spectator society."

The President will give a speech about the need for courage and declaring martial law before putting three bullets in his wife's head.   They creatures won't announce themselves we let humanity think they did it themselves.

As she starts to leave Derica says she's not the first person with the visions, how many people they have pushed over the edge into mental asylums. They did it by going after everyone they loved.   Quickly Astris calls Io and orders each Rook to be guarded by two Bishops and she wants Duncan and Killian around Chloe at all times.  Io has to break the news that Chloe and Killian are missing and Duncan didn't come in today.  All Astrid can say to herself upon hearing that is, "fuck."

In a hospital a doctor is called into a room by a nurse and is greeted by the sight of a man with a horse's head causing him to say "my God".. The nurse then slashes the doctor's throat saying "it's time for the opposition party"  Then the TV's go dead.  Elsewhere The Butcher has come for Duncan, but Duncan has set a trap for him with the three Haverlin brothers armed with baseball bats surrounding the Butcher as he stands before Duncan.

Calmly the Butcher says he thinks he can take all of them, but Duncan has a secret weapon "White Mist", the perfume Astrid wears. He splashes it into the Butcher's faces who screams like it's acid.  Then the Haverlin brothers lay into him with gusto.   After a sound beating which leaves his head crushed and mangled the Butcher cries for mercy.  Unfortunately that's not going to happen and beating round two commences.

Baseball bat time for The Butcher.

Ms Capone, another of Astrid's Rooks is met by two men who say they need to take her to a safe room.  But she blows the head of one who explodes into a monster, she takes it on while also taking a phonecall from Astrid who says she needs her.  Capone finishes off the creature and Astrid tells her to go to her private sick bay "please protect my heart."

We see Anika in bed, she of the half a body belonging to a one hundred year old.  And her loyal caretaker bears down on her saying she has  surprise for her, a secret she's been keeping a long time.  In the Clean Room Artus is ranting about leaving the "bitchcritters somewhere thet don't want to be".  Astrid's mission control, Raven, tells her what's happened and also that there is chaos in the building with several fatalities and some floors lost contact with, "they're here, Astrid.  They're in the building."

Astrid orders an evacuation and that everyone should get home to their loved ones.   She thanks Raven for his service to her and says goodbye to him.  In the sickbay the carer shows Anika the shoe she was wearing when the aliens took her up. She herself "personally supervised what we did to you.  To ruin you.  To rip open your soul."  The carer starts to transform, but gets an axe to the head courtesy of Capone. With the carer dead Capone says they are getting out of here, somehow.

Astrid enters the Clean Room and asks Artus what she can do for him.  He rambles on about the room speaking to him, but now they belong to a "godly man, as they rightly should." If Astrid agrees to be hims and lets him teach her how to behave proper he'll bring the others back.  When he says she ought to know how to cook, that it's the way to a man's heart she scowls and says "is it?  Let's just see."

We begin the next chapter in a normal suburban street, everyone's net and TV's have gone off and people have wandered into the street with an old man noting "there's something wrong with the stars."  Back with what's left of the Butcher who has been taped to a chair so Duncan can question him, he tells them it is going to rain blood.  Then everyone will eat each other alive. 

The Haverlins say that won't happen, people stick together. The Butcher says maybe they will but what about Duncan?  And also Astrid's kingdom is collapsing and she will burn.  Duncan uncorks more of Astrid's perfume and asks what they can do to stop the end from happening.

In the Clean Room Artus tells Astrid his story, that a "wildcat" got the better of him, and he died on the hospital table.  When the doctors saved him he could feel "the gears of the universe grinding all around me".  The Clean Room called to him, it wants him in charge not Astrid.  Astrid says she make him take her to them.  He sneers that this should be interesting.

Artus thinks he's in control...

In Artus's memory, Chloe tells him this isn't real just a thought from his future self.  Artus asks what does that matter?  Chloe says it means they can change things.   She starts to cut the bound and gagged woman free despite Killian saying she can't save someone who is already dead.  Artus jams his revolver into Chloe's back saying he'll be having fun with her.

In the suburban street the people see an old woman with blood all over her front come walking up saying "bad dog.  bad dog."  You love and feed them and then they attack you and she reveals one of her hands is missing.  Back at the Institute Derica's guards have been killed and a man in a hoodie walks over to the hell baby.  It is Mr. Webber.  he says he sculpted his face to please the exalted one, ie: Derica.  Who asks to be taken to see Astrid once last time because she wants to rip her open.  Webber carries Derica away saying "your will be done mistress."

In the street the woman missing a hand has collapsed. Everyone is freaking out and a young boy points at one of the women can yells that he saw her skin change, that she was pink and had claws "she's not human."  Everyone backs away from her as she says it's ridiculous. One of the men whispers to his wife to go fetch his gun sharpish.

In the Clean Room Artus says he's going to take a trip through Astrid's worst memory.  We see young Astrid, still on crutches after the accident that triggered her ability to see the aliens. He father puts a hand on her shoulder, but he's actually a horrific monster. She says she will tell everybody about him, everyone will know the truth.  Her not-dad says who will believe her?  As for her father the  demon hugs her saying, "I ate him, darling.  Right down to his dirty fucking toes."
Artus mocks her and Astrid says that when she was twelve she took a kitchen knife and stabbed the creature twenty-one times.  Artus has one last chance or she'll disassemble him.  He says she doesn't scare him she's just a critter:

Astrid: "Yes.  That's apt actually.  Because sometimes you need a beast Artus.  And I am that beast.  And this room belongs to me."

And she regains control. Artus cowers in front of her and demands he tell her where they are and forces it out of him, "that wasn't so hard was it?"

...he was wrong.

They all end up in Artus's memory.  Chloe is so happy to see Astrid, Astrid says since meeting Chloe she has apologised to three people, intentionally embraced three people and uttered a vulgar curseword aloud, "how could I not come back for you?"

She demands to know from Artus how to kill the entities, he begs her not to make him tell.  With quiet fury she says she will MAKE him remember his death.  Right now his victim is going to stab him and he will die on the way to the hospital, "death is outside and his voice is thunder".  If he doesn't tell her how to kill the entities he will leave him in this moment for all eternity.

With her foot on his face he says "exoduction", the have to  abduct the child entity and then exorcise it.  Unsatisfied, Astrid leaves Artus at the mercy of a black spikey creature and the memory fades away with him trapped inside it.  Astrid, Killian and Chloe are safe back in the Clean Room.

In the suburban street the woman the child accused is being restrained while she protests she's been their neighbour for years.   She has a shotgun pointed at her and the man holding it demands she start talking.  We cut to the child who did the accusing and he's actually a monster himself.  He smirks to himself as three shots ring out telling his sister he's sure they'll be fine.

The Institute is being evacuated, but Avil, Chloe's police detective boyfriend runs inside to find her.  He meets up with several of the faithful who don't want to abandon Astrid, including Mary from the interlude.  In the Clean Room Chloe is a little shocked at Artus's fate at being left alone with his death.  There are moths everywhere. She tells Chloe she can see the entities not because she nearly died but because they reveal themselves to the people in the most pain.

Astrid: "It's grief.  A child in a coma. A woman whose fiance killed himself.. that's there catnip.  It's their heroin."

Chloe says they have to exorcise they child, and Astrid says they'll come to us.  Raven is still in mission control. She asks him to bring them two Earl Grey teas and to play some Chopin while they wait.  He says it would be his honour as he wipes away some tears.

Waiting for the end.

Chloe says that they are coming to kill us and that Astrid knew about this and she let people thing this was just a cult and she was a liar.  Astrid says people would never believe the truth.  She then tells Chloe her most pleasant memory in ages was having barbecue with Chloes boyfriend and friends, "hot dogs and potato salad and an ice cold beer, the night sky overhead.  It was so delicious it felt like my first meal as a free woman."  It was food people east when they can look up and see only stars and not carry those stars on their shoulders.

In Southern California, an automated warning has gone out from Astrid to her "Blue Utopians".  They have a card that will allow them entrance into a nearby sanctuary which is good for two approved persons.  They will be safe but the rest of the world won't be so fortunate.

Derica and Marcus Webber are walking through the institute, with Derica directing Marcus along the way.  Marcus says he worships her kind and waited for her birth.   He mutilated his face to present a more fearsome visage and emulate her race. "Very good.  And you will rip out Astrid Mueller's heart for me, yes?"  Marcus says it will be his pleasure.

Raven brings the tea, he asks if they should be evacutating as the building is on fire.  Astrid says she knows, she was the one who set the fire.  She wanted to to work in isolation with the people she... and she tails off.  "Trust?" says Chloe.  "Yes trust.  Thank you Chloe" says Astrid.  Then she says they're here.

Derica and Marcus are at the door to the Clean Room and Derica unleashes a torrent of vile abuse and threats to get her to open it.  Then Capone appears behind them and opens fire.  Inside the Clean Room, Astrid notes her "splendid loyalty."  Duncan and the Haverlins are also fighting their way through the Institute too battling the creatures as they appear.

Capone is getting beaten up, Killian asks to go out and help her, but Astrid says Capone knows she is expendable. Capone rips off Marcus's bottom jaw, then a knife flashes.  Astrid says it is time to open the door and thankfully the person outside is a battered and bloody Capone with a knife in her stomach.  She collapses over the threshold and Derica walks in past her saying "she killed my creepy pet Aryan".

Capone is severely injured as Derica enters the Clean Room.

Derica says she found her way in.  But Astrid says she actually let her in. She has a Dr Hagen on the phone and she tells him it's time to "blow their goddamn city into the Atlantic Ocean, please."  Hagen tells them he will do so, and from his large boat he fires a huge cannon blast into the sky (this isn't a total deus ex machina, we saw this is book one). Derica demands to know what she did:

Astrid: "Well, it's a bit complicated.  I waited until your mind was elsewhere, you see.  Then I had the worlds horniest genius blow a hole through yur invisible city.  It's going to the bottom of of the sea, I'm afraid."

She then tells Derica to be quiet, and they start to exorcise her by reciting Catholic rites at her.  A huge moster bursts out and says, "don't you try that Catholic shit on me Astrid Mueller! We wrote half that damn book." Then everyone else arrives, Avil, Duncan, the Haverlins.  Chloe is happy to see Avil but she grins at Killian and tells him "you might have to share a bit."

They then reveal the secret weapon they have, which is Spark the good alien.  And as Astrid recites more words of banishment, Spark completes the ritual and sends the being "to before there was time." Astrid tells Spark she may have misjudged him.  She orders Capone get medical attention and the fire get put out.  Chloe tells Astrid, "holy shit, you saved the world.  I'm still a reporter.  People are going to know."  But Astrid says that won't be the case at all.

Spark helps banish Derica to a time before time began.

And so Chloe, on Astrid's orders, became Judas Iscariot. Astrid didn't want Chloe to make her into a deity, she wanted her to destroy her.   Better to tell everyone she was a fraud than demons tried to kill everyone:

Chloe: "So I went on the box and said everything she'd said was a scam, a lie.  That she was a thief and common criminal.  And then I went home and cried for three days. And never quite liked myself again.  Not completely."

Killian and Avil come by and that helps, no one has seen Astrid in over a week.  She started reading Astrid's infamous novel, the one with no punctuation, the one that gives you either total enlightenment or drives you insane. She's halfway through, "can't wait to find out which way I go."  And this brings this volume and the series overall to an end.

I'll comment on the art first because I think losing Jon Davis-Hunt (poached for a higher profile gig I believe) hurt this story quite a lot.  His clinical detailed precision worked brilliantly for the ordered world of Astrid, and although Geovani gives us great monsters, his panels where people are just talking are ill blocked and lacking in detail. Narrative wise, personally I thought all the stuff with Artus dragged the story down.  I'd much rather have seen more incidents of the beginning of the apocalypse instead.  I also didn't like how passive is made Killian either, although I enjoyed Chloe acting on her attraction to her after two volumes of Killian's clumsy flirting.  That said there is still much to recommend here.  We are once again given a very strong female character in Astrid who can smack down serial killers and save the world with practised ease.  And was evern allowing herself to be martyred in the court of public opinion to explain what all the strange goings on where about.  I also would have liked to know abit more about Marcu Webber and how he came to know of the hell baby, his story seemed potentially much more interesting than Artus's.  But I carp on when overall I liked it, liked the different women in it, all badass in their own right and the premuise was imaginative and if there is no more Clean Room which looks likely, it did at least not end on a cliffhanger but wrapped its plot threads up fairly neatly.

Red Sonja Book Two: The Art Of Blood And Fire (#7-12, #0)

"Red Sonja does not 'pout', is that clear?" - Red Sonja

I'm still a relative newcomer to the Church Of Gail Simone, but I have become an enthusiastic convert and am going to keep preaching a lot of good stuff about her work now and in the future.  Actually she's an atheist so she doesn't have a church.  And I'm an atheist as well, so I wouldn't preach even if she did.  Huh, that was a stupid way to start my post, forget I said it. Start again.  Well, this is book two in Simone's reboot of Red Sonja, shorn of the more dodgy aspects of her original story (rape, only sleeping with men who best her in combat etc) we get a bawdy, vulgar, bisexual, fierce and totally awesome woman warrior, who travels in search of cash, sex and booze but in this collection is going to find herself on a mildly epic quest that will take her to some interesting places and have her meeting some fascinating people along the way.  The first book was pretty dark as it looked at the bleak events that hammered her into becoming such a fearsome fighter.  This storyline is somewhat lighter in tone although it still has some serious moments and sharp observations hidden under a more humourous layer.  The art of Walter Geovani also adds immeasurably to the series, it's crisp, clean, impeccably paced and choreographed and the colourist has helped it along by keeping a slightly muted look to it giving more of a down and dirty fantasy sheen. This collection also contains a hilarious zero issue, although it's by a different artist and the artwork while decent in of itself, is no match for Geovani's fine work.  So let's get stuck in.

We begin with Sonja trudging through a marsh mentally bemoaning the fact she has been searching this unpleasant area for four days.  She smells like a "latrine attendant" and:

Sonja: "I am in ill humour.  Parched, starving and randy.  I need wine.  Lots of it. I need hot food.  And not to put too finer point on it, I need someone to fill my bedroll.  I'm not particular.  As long as they're limber".

And that is pretty much this version of Red Sonja's mission statement! She decides to make camp and catches and kills a rabbit to eat.  She dozes off by the fire she is cooking it on and wakes up to find a man and a woman aghast at her cooking.

They scold her for it being half burnt and half raw and has no seasonings, Sonja says "it's meant to fill my belly... I'm not one for complications".  She offers them some, then tells them they both look limber...  As she talks she realises they have her knife and sword, "I really must learn to sleep more prudently".  The pair tell her she has intruded into their home. Sonja says they are "inbred, swamp dwelling murderers... rumor is that you are cannibals and sexual deviants.  Pleased to meet you".

Bogman gets some EyeScream.

Then another Bogman jumps her from behind, she jams the stake with the rabbit on it into his eye socket and kills him.  The other two are outraged and say they know why she is here, "you seek Gribaldi.  You seek the chef!"  Then they attack her and she beats them down reclaiming her weapons.  Then we get a flashback to one week ago.

She is in a city watching slaves build a mausoleum, she speaks with the King who summoned her to go on a quest for him.  He is dying and wants to go out with the best party ever.  He wants her to find "a courtesan, a stargazer, a swordsman, a beastmaster and most importantly - a chef".  If she refuses the quest, one thousand slaves will be buried alive and incarcerated with him in his tomb.

King Samala.

Back with Sonja in the swamp, she is punting a boat to the place where the rest of the tribe is.  She is outnumbered and gives up without a fight and they say they are going to have her cooked and eaten.  She is handed over to Gribaldi, who sends the rest away so he is alone with Sonja. He tells her the Bogmen are idiots but they are also gourmands. He admits to her that he doesn't cook the humans they give him, he found a nest of reptile eggs and cooks them instead.  He marinates them in ale first, "a delight!"

Sonja: "You... you put... you put food... In a barrel of delicious Cimmerian beer? You monster."

He tries to tickle her tastebuds with some soup, but Sonja is not impressed, "it's water and burnt weeds and roots. It means nothing to me."  Then suddenly the grown reptile people attack. Gribaldi frees Sonja and she reclaims her weapons again. 

Sonja and Gribaldi escape.

She fights some of the reptile men then stops and Gribaldi apologises, but the reptile men don't understand.  Sonja takes Gribaldi and they make their getaway because the reptile men have found the cannibal Bogmen and are snacking on them.  As Sonja and Gribaldi leave via boat Sonja comments, "...they were murderers and kidnappers.  Let's just hope they're also filling".

Four days later Sonja and Gribaldi are riding together in search of their next addition.  Gribaldi has been doing Sonja's head in with his unending stream of foodie talk and she also is suffering due to other "hungers" that need to be fed. Finally she can suffer no longer and at camp that night she wakes Gribaldi up.  She need nookie and she needs it NOW.  He is vaguely horrified by her directness, she say "you can think of veal the whole time if you like, only hurry up would you?"

He says it's outrageous, what if she's not his type. "I'm Red Sonja" she says, "I'm everybody's type".  He tell her she's a tad whiffy and she agrees, but asks if he can overlook it, "are you going to make me say please?"

Gribaldi: "Well what if I... what if I want to be romanced?"

This is too much for Sonja, she gives up and goes back to sleep grumbling as she does so.  He tries to make it up to her next day with "quail breast poutine with..." she interrupts him demanding to know why he announces each dish like "it's of royal lineage?"  She eats it anyway.

They arrive at the city where "Kalayah The Great" is putting on his animal show.  Sonja is not going to recruit him, she is going to slit his throat and watch him bleed out.  Later they sit in the audience and Kalayah starts the show - "wild bear versus hunting dogs!"  As Gribaldi watches in utter horror, the dogs tear into the bear. 

The horrific animal show.

Grimly Sonja tells him the bear is taken as a cub after its mother is killed, raised kindly so it forgets its instincts until it is sent into the arena to die.  The dogs are starved and shown no affection and have to kill and eat a puppy every few days then given nothing to eat for days before the festival.  She draws an arrow and fires it, not at Kalayah but at the mortally wounded bear putting it out of it's misery.

For this kindness Sonja and Gribaldi are thrown into a dungeon cell. Sonja asks him why he did not bargain his way out, he easily could have.  He says she saved him in the swamp, "I am no fighter.  but neither does that make me a coward".  Sonja notes this bravery, then clambers on his shoulders to loosen a wooden bar to their cage, unfortunately Kayalah was expecting this and stamps on her hand.  Then he tells her he remembers her threat to kill him and as they speak awful noises come from the arena, he had the tendons of her horses cut and then them tossed to the dogs.

She grabs his foot and tells him she will have her revenge, "from this side of the grave... or next".  He tells her she'll die in the morning and departs.  Sonja say to Gribaldi when they come for them "Fight.  Don't kneel.  Don't beg.  Fight."  Gribaldi asks her "I don't suppose from now 'til morning is enough time to make me a fearsome warrior?"  Sonja finds this gallows humour amusing.

Rat to the rescue?

Then suddenly a teenage girl called Rat appears and sets them free.  She works for Kalayah, but he beats her every day and worst of all he enjoys hurting and killing the animals.  The beasts don't do Kalayah's bidding, they are befriended by and love Rat.  Sonja says it's not her fault, she is a child.  Rat then leads them to the arena where Kalayah and some gaurds are waiting.  Gribaldi shouts at Rat for leading them to their deaths like the animals she claims to love.  Sonja says she had no choice.  Rat runs off crying "I am.  I am a betrayer!"

And she runs to the cages and opens them,  all the animals pour out and Kalayah has his arm torn off by a bear and the guards killed.  Kalayah begs Sonja for mercy but she lets the dogs tear him apart. Rat kneels sayng she must now die for her sins.  

Sonja refuses, "The Emporer asked for a Beast Lord.  And a Beast Lord he will get, Rat the Magnificent.  But a Lord deserving of the beasts who love her".  Rat rises and the bears and tiger happily join in for a group cuddle.

A happy conclusion.

Sonja's next recruit is to be a courtesan.  Having left Gribaldi, Rat and the animals ensconced in an inn she has ridden out  to a fancy brothel where, thanks to her chainmail bikini, she is initially mistaken for a new worker.  Once that confusion is cleared up, she is then mistaken for a customer.  She is introduced to a room full of male and female sex workers who immediately begin to fuss around her and her lust takes over.

Poor Sonja, always frustrated.

Unfortunately when the brothel madam discovers she has no cash on her  poor old lusty Sonja gets hurled bodily out of the place and lands in a muddy puddle.

Sonja:  "Curse me for a fool.  A bit of abstinance and I become a lovesick child."

She climbs the buildings walls and makes her way around until she finds a guard who she forces out of the location of "the princess of pillowing" from. Her name is "Aneva" and Sonja enters through her window.

And is struck dumb by how beautiful Aneva is.  "I normally look much nicer" says Sonja lamely.  Internally she is freaking out, the room is for the kind of woman she was never meant to meet or become.  She tells Aneva that if she comes to the dying king's party he will triple whatever she desires.  Aneva says she has work here and must refuse. She wishes to stay and start a guild for courtesans, they are ripped off and brutalised by the leader of a nearby garrison, Captain Ferox and she wishes to make sure he never ruins another life.

Aneva.

Sonja kneels and says that the lives of the slaves are in the balance and Aneva, being "a princess of true and kind sort", agrees to come with her.  When Sonja introduces herself, Aneva has heard of her. Then the guards come in and Sonja attacks.  But Aneva breaks the fight up and Sonja realises they just love her and want to protect her.  The Madam tells Aneva that Ferox will chase her and Sonja agrees to protect her with her life and blood.

They ride out and later Sonja goes fishing.  She returns and watches Aneva doing her make-up.  She wonders to herself that if her tribe had not been killed, if she had not become The Devil, would she be like Aneva?  Then Aneva spots her and offers to pretty Sonja up. Sonja says no, but Aneva can be "awfully persuasive" and an hour later she is made-up and in a nice purple frock. Sonja looks at herself in the mirror and freaks out thinking to herself:

Sonja: "This is a Sonja who died with her tribe at the hands of marauders when she was ten years old.  This is a Sonja who can never be... I let my foolish vanity cause me to forget that we are hunted."

The horse is shot with an arrow and up rides Captain Ferox with a few soldiers.  Ferox sarcastically says Aneva shames him, he who has protected her from all harm.

Even in a pink frock Sonja kicks butt.

She accuses him of atrocities and he admits, yeah I did that and so?  Then he asks Sonja her name, calling her a "delicate toy". When she says "Red Sonja" they all laugh and when Ferox calls for the lash to instill some obediance, Sonja draws her sword and says "It's time for training indeed."  And she takes down the soldiers thinking:

Sonja: "Fancy dress or no, face paint or no.  I am who I am.  Seems we all could do with a bit of reminding".

Ferox grabs Aneva while Sonja kills the soldiers. Then turns to find Ferox dead.  Aneva says he fell on his dagger.  When Sonja notes he has several stab wounds, Aneva drily states "he fell several times.  He really was an awkward fellow."

Sonja asks how she learned to defend herself like that.  Aneva says she is the Princess of the Art of Lovemaking but she is also "Toa of the Rhamoan Mountains".  She was born of peasants and worked since she walked and her brothers taught her to fight.  One day she saw a fancy woman carried by four men and realised "the farm was not for me".

But despite her luxurious lifestyle she thrilled to hear of Sonja's adventures and freedoms and would wonder to herself could she have been like Red Sonja, "in a different world.  Toa the brave. Toa the invincible. Rescuing damsels. Freeing slaves".  Hearing this Sonja says she will return her here and Aneva will get her guild, then apologises for making a mess of Aneva's hard work on her, "I'm afraid I wasn't meant to be beautiful."  Aneva embraces her saying "you are so wrong sister. You are more beautiful than the stars." Sniffle.

Versus Osric the Untouched.

Next up is the swordsman and it turns out to be a harder task than you'd think for Sonja. Before we see that though we are treated to the Emporer saying to a lackey that he's going to renege on his promise to Sonja even if she completes her task. What a surprise.  Anyway we return to Sonja and she is kneeling in the mud, mad as hell as she fights top swordsman "Osric the Untouched". "You disappoint me" he says as she clambers up.  She is tired, hungry and enraged as she is having a public duel with him and losing.

Sonja: "But I am Sonja.  I am the curse of Hyrkania. And I am getting humiliated."

She charges at him and misses and he spanks her on the arse with his sword as she passes him which makes her madder still.  She argle bargle's at him and runs at him again, tripping and face planting in the mud.   Aneva is still with her and runs to her aid saying she doesn't understand how she could be losing.

Aneva says she'll call the watch. Sonja says "don't you dare" and gets up for another go at Osric and humliatingly trips over her own feet. We then get a flashback to when Aneva and her first met with Osric.  They rode into his camp and like a gentleman he welcomed them and invited them for a meal. She makes the offer of great riches from the King if he comes to the party.  He's more interested in the fact Red Sonja has come to see him and throws a great feast for her.

At the meal she whispers a dirty suggestion in his ear as she is still starved for sex.  But Osric has to refuse, "if it's absolutely neccesary... I'd been willing to bathe first" she offers.  But he says he's taken a vow, he won't sleep with anyone until they defeat him in battle.  Take it away Sonja.

Nice bit o'meta Gail.

He says that's as maybe but "my lover has been my blade.  My companion. My wife".  Then he asks her why the party is important to her.  She tells him about the slaves, so he says he'll have a public duel with her and come if she wins. We return to the present with Sonja lying in the mud and Aneva standing over her holding her sword to defend her.  "What heart she has" Sonja thinks as she staggers to her feet.  Osric declares the duel over.

Sonja can't believe it and sadly kneels thinking how she has failed the slaves and now they will all die.  She turns to Aneva as says to her:

Sonja: "There is a distinct possibility water might come from my eyes Aneve.  Please turn away."

Aneva kneels in the mud with her and holds her saying "Never. Never". The mournful pair go to the local tavern to collect themselves.  Aneva tries to make excuses for her, that she was tired and hungry.  But Sonja says she has fought and won battles under worse conditions. She asked why Aneva defended her and Aneva says it is because she is a hero.  Sonja says "ridiculous.  I drink.  I fight.  I bed.  Ridiculous".

Aneva gets cross and slaps Sonja's drink away saying Osric does not care about the lives of those slaves whereas Sonja risks her very life to defend them. Her saying this gives Sonja a brainwave and she realises how she can use her brain and Osric's exact words to defeat him and leaves to find him again.

Rules said nothing about using fists.

He comes out of his tent saying he already defeated her as she thinks "Sonja cares nothing for sparring and jousting for entertaining throngs.  Sonja fights for blood.  When neccesary.  And when that happens... Sonja becomes a Goddess."  She sheathes her sword and punches Osric hard in the face and starts pummeling him.

She shouts at his prone body that he was given a gift and only uses it to fight when there is no danger to him.  He rises with fury in his eyes and charges him.  He misses and she spanks his bum with her sword.  He yells she can't do this, and she says she can, "You sir.  Are touched".  He realises he has lost and graciously surrenders.  He kneels and kisses her sword agreeing to join her.  Then he asks that as she has defeated him does she want to...?  She refuses, "...Sonja the invincible needs a nap it turns out."

The next chapter begins with our team relaxing around a campfire while Sonja is off collecting firewood. A group of bandits comes upon them and start making threats which the gang laugh off much to the cut-throats confusion.  Then Sonja returns and says to them:

Sonja: "I'll give you one chance nightsneak.  Leave.  Or feel the full brunt of my inhospitable nature".

They don't take a hint and a fight breaks out.  Several bandits are killed and the rest flee in fear.  The only casualty on the side of our heroes is Gribaldi's soup.  He takes it hard.  Sonja muses how she understands people like those bandits, but tommorrow "I go to face two of the very things that actually do cause my heart to skip a beat".

They arrive at the temple where the Stargazer is to be found. Sonja remembers that her village has a small wooden temple and the holy men talked to gods made of sticks.  What kind of gods is she going to face in a place as grand as this?  She thinks:

Sonja:  "Are my gods as humble and savage as my tribe?  For the first time in my bloodstained life... I am afraid."

The priests at the door hand robes to Sonja and Aneva saying "the women must cover their shameful flesh".  Sonja thinks that she never thought of her clothes as shameful until asked to cover them and now, "I feel vastly more exposed."  she can't wait to leave and "be Sonja again".

Sonja is not too proud to beg.

The priests call her a "slattern" and tell her not to look the rector in the eye when she talks to him.  Osric gets pissed at how disrespectful they are being, but is told the place is surrounded by bowmen so put up and shut up.  They reach the rector and Sonja bows on her knees to him and tells him about the King and his need for a Stargazer. The freedom of the slaves is of no consequence to the Rector.

He then decides to quiz Sonja.  He asks what she is called, when she tells him he says "yes, the colour of a woman's sin".  He also says he has heard she is called "The Devil" and that she delights in luring "good, virtuous men into sin with your flesh".  She says she is "as God made me, priest".  Then she asks for the Stargazer Plaitius.

The Rector says the man is a heretic who has defied the church and is being scourged until he breaks.  Then he'll be scourged again and burned alive to please the gods.  Sonja decides to appeal to his wallet and says the King will give them gold in return for him.  The Rector says, very well, if Plaituis recants he can go free with them, so he is brought up to see them.

But though he is in a pitiful state he refuses to recant, Sonja pleads with him saying he doesn't even need to mean it, but he still refuses and is taken back to the dungeons.  But he allows Sonja, Aneva and Osric to go and talk to him in his cell.  Sonja asks him if he is not afraid:

Plaitius: "They are going to torture me to death. I am so terrified I can barely stand.  I spent most of today trying not to piss myself." 

Sonja mentally sympathises, she remembers her time in the pit in book one. She pleads again to recant.  He asks her a question, what shape is the world?  Sonja says it is the shape of a map and at night Mitra himself rolls the parchement up.  So Plaitius tells him his heresy, he believes the world to be round.

Plaitius lays out his "heresy".

He asks her has she not noticed during an eclipse the shadow is a disc and do ships not travel over the edge of the great seas only to return undamaged and if you gain altitude can you not see more land?  Sonja says "that is nonsense.  You are mad!"  He goes on to say the world orbits the sun, Aneva thinks his wounds have addled his mind.  Sonja says even if this was true, why won't he recant?

Plaitius:  "Because I love something more than my life mistress.  Doesn't everyone?"

Sonja has respect for him, for raising his voice when he knew what the cost would be.  She decides there and then that Plaitius is coming with them, guards and lack of weapons not withstanding.

The torturer comes back in and Sonja breaks his nose before ripping off the robe she was made to wear.  Then they face the guards and Osric who still has his sword takes on a group of them. They fight their way to the Rector's private chamber and Sonja kicks the door down.  She tells him they are leaving with Plaitius and he will not stop them.  The Rector bellows why would he allow "a heretic and a whore" to leave?

Sonja shouts that he knows why it is because despite the guards and the stone walls, he is nothing but a coward.  And this hits the Rector hard.  Head bowed he tells the guards to let them go and as they leave Sonja thinks to herself:

Sonja: "And so Sonja will be afraid of temples no more.  No more and never again. Thank you Stargazer.  Thankyou".

The final chapter begins.  Sonja needs a dancer fast, she has one day left and goes charging into an inn where Rukaua is performing.  She barges in, ready for a fight, but the people there have heard of her quest and are only to happy to help her.  This leads to the following page as Sonja reluctantly indulges Rukaua's fantasy of being rescued by a strong warrior. Heee!

This page makes me very happy.

Returning to the King's palace she introduces them as "the six most transcendent artisans in all the known world.!" Then introduces them one by one and tells King Samala that they will make his death party something special.  He pauses much to Sonja's fear that he might renege.  Then he hugs her saying "you have brought all I have wished for" she can also call this place home if her wandering days become over. Then it's time to party.

Sonja relaxes in a lovely bath attended by men and women and starts to ask them to see to her "other" needs when Aneva rushes in saying "I have nothing to wear!"  The King's second-in-command, the Overseer, appears saying they can supply clothes and Sonja, once again left frustrated gets out of the bath but tells the attendents to remember where they were.

Then as Aneva and Sonja are given beautiful dresses to wear, she asks where the others are.  Aneva tells her Plaitius is reading the stars, Rat is caring for her beasts. Rukaua is constantly practising and Gribaldi is fussing over the food preparation.  Sonja is being bothered by something she can't put into words.  Then calls in the Overseer who has been watching them.  The Overseer admits that Samala is not going to honour his agreement regarding the slaves.  He says if she doesn't oppose him she will be showered with gold, titles, lands and nobility.  Sonja responds:

Sonja: "The Emporer is a great lord, Overseer. A ruler of men.  The King of the Golden City.  While I may be no more than a peasant playing dress up for a moment.  But I am Hyrkanian.  We keep our word.  So with a peasants heart... the Emperor can go $^%$ himself"

She hears the Overseer sigh and wonders if he is a good man put in an awkward postion.  She starts fighting the guards but is quickly overwhelmed and put in a prison cell.  Samala comes and taunts her and then drops the bombshell that her six friends will join him in death too.

Samala is a dick.

The party begins without Sonja.  Rukaua is dancing for him and Gribaldi brings him delicous food.  He asks for the astronomer and the whore. Aneva sits on his lap and Plaitius is commanded to tell his fortune.  Rat has found Sonja in prison and using a gorilla breaks her out of there.  Meanwhile the Emporer has found a knife on Aneva and accuses her of wanting to cut his throat.

He throws her to the floor and when Gribaldi rushes to her side she tells him Samala means to kill them all.   Then Osric appears and begins fighting his guards. Rat and Sonja arrive at the battle and Rat uses a hawk to dive and attack.  Aneva gets stuck into the fighting too but Sonja, back-to-back with Osric admits they are outnumbered.  Osric says "it has been my honour to fight beside you.  Sonja the invincible."

Then Gribaldi shouts to everyone to stop. He says he has poisoned the Emporer and Samala dies coughing his guts out on the floor. Rukaua finishes his dance, "did I miss something?"  The Overseer takes command and tells Sonja the slaves will not be killed, "I think he is a good man" muses Sonja as she gets ready to go.

Goodbyes are said.

Then it is time for an emotional farewell to her friends.  Rat wants to build an animal sanctuary, the others are going to stay to help the new Emporer.  Gribaldi and Aneva are now a couple and as Sonja embraces Aneva she thinks "If I don't leave... I may stay forever. I will miss them. My heart hurts a little".

She rides back to the brothel where she found Aneva and gives them a huge bag of gold. She gives it to the madam so they can start their guild.  And there is also money left over for Sonja to have a great time.

Sonja: "As for my wishes?  I'll take one of everything".

And Sonja FINALLY gets to scratch that itch.

At that brings the arc to a close.  There is a zero issue, which tells a humourous story of a man who pretends to have been married to her and tells a story where an idealised version of her is compared with the reality.  It's fun but throwaway stuff, the real meat is the story we have just had.  I love how much it fills out Sonja's character, she's brave, honourable, headstrong, cunning, proud of her humble origins and a good friend.  Probably my favourite chapter is the one where she finds Aneva and we get a reflection of a road not taken due to fate as well as how Sonja's exploits have fascinated and inspired other women like Aneva who also wonders if she could have had the life Sonja had.  But crucially they stay happy with the way things are and their friendship is lovely to see. Despite how dark it gets in places, it packed full of great jokes and humour.  The running gag of Sonja absolutely dying for a shag is well executed and funny stuff, you rarely see such blatantly sexual-without-being-sexualised female characters in comics.  Once again Gail Simone and Walter Geovani have given us a female character who is a fantasticaly nuanced individual and an absolutely compelling read as well.  There is one more volume of Simone's run on the character so watch this space...