Bizarro (#1-6)

"Me have the worstest friends" - Bizarro

One of the things I enjoyed the most about the DCYou (R.I.P) was the amount of six issue miniseries we got.  I've covered a couple, mainly All Star Section Eight and Harley/Power Girl, but there were plenty more.  They were a place to experiment and have a bit of fun with quirky scripts and non traditional artwork, but without the pressure of an on-going series placed upon them.  I really hope this trend of minseries survive the DC Rebirth, and by that I mean things conceived of as miniseries not an ongoing cancelled after six issues.  The poster child for the philosophy behind the most of the minis can be found here in Bizarro.  A very silly story yoked to some utterly fantastic artwork making for a nice self contained read. The story tells the tale of Jimmy Olsen, Superman's pal and red headed photographer for The Daily Planet, teaming up with Bizarro for a wacky road trip to Canada. Bizarro is a Silver Age creation, a "backwards" Superman who means the opposite when he speaks. Jimmy Olsen has decided to accompany him both to get him out of Metropolis where he is causing chaos, and also in the hope he can get a best selling book out of the experience, but of course nothing is that simple as they bump into various opponents and have some wacky adventures along the way.  Bizarro should be the sort of twee concept that I, as a frowny faced Brit whose comicbook year zero is 1986, should be genetically pre-programmed to hate.  So why do I think this is one of the best comics I have read in a long time (and I read a lot of good comics, no slights meant there)?  Read on, and be illuminated.

We begin with Bizzaro and Jimmy's road trip underway as Bizarro fiddles with the radio, plays eye spy and makes a mess eating is burger, Jimmy remembers how he got into this mess. Clark Kent told him a road trip to Canada would make a great coffee table book mainly as a way to get Bizarro out of Metropolis.  Back in the present, two mysterious government figures follow them saying Bizzaro is an "Omega" level being that needs to be watched.

Bizzaro, Colin and Jimmy.

Unfortunately a little later somehow Jimmy crashes the car into a tree and Bizarro makes a new friend he calls "Colin the Chupacabra" which is a tiny, fanged creature that takes up residence on Bizarro's shoulder for most of the rest of the trip.  Bizarro then carries the car into the next town which turns out to be Smallville.

They are pointed in the direction of "King Tut's Slight Used Car Oasis" to sort their travel problems out.  King Tut has an Ancient Egyptian theme to his used car emporium although his daughter Regina refuses to put the Queen Tut costume on and play along. Bizarro, Jimmy and Colin arrive with the wrecked car.

Immediately King Tut almost talks Jimmy into purchasing a second hand sports car.  But Bizarro puts a stop to him "ensorcelling" Jimmy. "If worstest friend Jimmy says unfix this car, you unfix this car" he says.  Jimmy, Bizarro and Colin leave the car with them.  Jimmy takes some photos of Bizarro who asks Jimmy if he is his "worstest friend?"  When Jimmy asks him to repeat the question he goes off in a sulk. But Jimmy says he's never been on a road trip with Superman so he must be Bizarro's friend, much to Bizarro's delight.

Jimmy being tactless.

King Tut is in his office praying to Osiris to give him power when Regina comes in and says she wants to quit and set up an artisanal chocolate business.  Suddenly three Egyptian gods appear and give him a staff to "change the world".  They leave and transform into three aliens who look a lot like Colin.  They have a good laugh and them go off to find "Ch'ck" who crashed ages ago.

King Tut uses the staff to make Regina wear the Queen Tut costume.  Jimmy and Bizarro are having to share a bed in the motel and King Tut starts summoning the entire town to come and buy cars from him.  Bizarro isn't affected but Jimmy is.  Bizarro wakes up wondering where Jimmy went and goes looking for him.

He finds him along with the rest of the town at King Tut's Slightly Used Car Oasis in a hypnotic trance about to buy an expensive car.

Bizarro: "You am not let my people go, Tut".

They start battling with Tut using the staff to throw cars at Bizarro which don't damage him, Bizarro retaliates with his laser eyes setting the cars on fire, much to Tut's distress.

Bizarro to the rescue!

Bizarro gets knocked out of the sky and says to Colin, "Bizarro okay.  Me fell on brain." He sends Colin to bring Jimmy to his senses. Colin climbs onto Jimmy's head and starts biting him.  This breaks the hypnosis just before Jimmy signs an expensive contract.

While Bizarro smashes up cars and the shady government official comment off-panel about the possibilty of taking Bizarro down one day, Jimmy has Colin bite Regina's head and brings her back to normal as well, "aw no.  I'm in the costume" she groans.

Inspired by a comment from Jimmy, Bizarro uses his super-hypnosis on King Tut and makes him believe he is a chicken.  Jimmy then takes the magic staff and snaps it in half.  Everyone gathered at the car lot come back o their senses somewhat confused as to why they are there in their pajamas.

Later that day Regina awards medals to Bizarro and Jimmy made them medals saying they are "No.1".  Jimmy is embarrassed, but more pleased when Regina awards them the red convertible as thanks for saving the town.  But after they leave, Regina declares to her clucking father, "goodbye Regina Tuttle, hello Queen Tut.  And for you I will destroy Bizarro".  And she joins the magic staff back together.

A stopoff in Gotham City.

Jimmy, Bizarro and Colin stop off and collect some provisions.  Then later stop off in Gotham City to get some fast food.  The Riddler bumps into Jimmy and shakes his hand saying "always nice to meet a fan" before running off.  The pursuing Batman bounces a batarang off Bizarro's head.

The next city they stop off in is Central City, home of The Flash. They are looking for The Flash museum and get into an argument over directions.  Bizarro stretches out his arm to point and hits The Flash in the head. "Did Superman just punch me?" says a dazed Flash as Jimmy, Bizarro and Colin sidle off whistling innocently.

As they drive to their next destination, the shadowy pursuers get clearance to engage Bizarro.  Jimmy points out to Bizarro they've been followed for miles, so Bizarro blows flame breath at their car and brings them to a halt. Jimmy, Bizarro and Colin then drive on and stop off in "Ol' Gold Gulch".

It's a real live Wild Western ghost town and after dressing for the part, they meet "Chastity Hex" who is looking for a criminal called "Jeremiah Blackhearse."  It also turns out this place is a literal ghost town as night falls and all the ghosts come out to play.

Chastity Hex.

Chastiy Hex goes off looking for her mortal villain while Bizarro, Colin and Jimmy go for a wander round.  They go to a saloon for a drink when suddenly a ghost bursts in and says "he's a'coming back" and the ghosts panic.  Bizarro throws back a hand and whacks Jerimiah in the face. But Jerimiah knocks Jimmy down and escapes in the stampede of ghosts.

Several ghosts on horseback arrive, the leader is "El Papagayo" and it is him the rest of the town are afeart of.  As the ghosts start robbing the townsfolk, Bizarro says he's going to "un-stop" them. He fires his lazer eyes at him but the go straight through, El Papagayo retaliates with his guns but ghost bullets go right through Bizarro.

El Papagayo realises they are evenly matched and so him and his parrot ghost possess Bizarro and Colin.  We get a good look at Bizarro's insides.  His mind is a maze, his heart is enormous and his brains are in his fists.  Jimmy tries to snap Bizarro out his trance then he comes too, but he's being controlled by El Papagayo now.

Bizarro gets possessed.

Pleased with his new body, "I feel if I can do anything", El Papagayo starts causing havoc as Bizarro.  He finds out Chastity is a Hex and asks if she's related to Wild West era Jonah Hex.  She says they thinks she is and El Papagayo says it would be a pleasure to "crush Hex's lineage."  She shoots Bizarro, but the bullet has no effect.

He then starts clumsily flying round lasering things.  Jimmy goes for his signal watch that summons Superman.  But it's gone.  He realises the Riddler took it in Gotham City, and we get a couple of panels of the RIddler activating the watch and suddenly finding Superman behind him.

Jimmy has an idea, and goes to the saloon where there is a bugle, some ghosts advise him to blow it and he does.  It summons Jonah Hex and friend's ghosts.

Jimmy: "I figure ghosts beat ghosts".

And Jonah Hex and his hawk fly inside Bizarro and forces El Papagayo and his parrot out of Bizarro and Colin.  He ties them to his horse and then Jeremiah Blackheart runs up possessed by one of El Papagayo's gang.

Jonah Hex sorts the baddie ghosts out.

Chastity hits him with the butt of her gun and knocks the ghost out of his body and Jonah takes it from there.  Jonah and Chastity complement each other on their hats, then the ghosts depart.

Ready to leave, Bizarro is hungry and Chasity wants a lift.  If they get her to Branson she'll split the fuel costs and she dumps Jeremiah in the boot of their car.  They head off for Branson and Bizarro says, "what could go right?"  And they pass a big sign advertising Zatanna's show there.

They reach Branson and Chastity drops off Jeremiah at the Bail Bonds Office then splits.  Bizarro wants to go see Zatanna's magic show and Jimmy reluctantly agrees even though he hates magic himself.

They attend the show and for one trick Zatanna requests a volunteer and Bizarro goes up on stage to be part of the trick.  She magics a portal and he disappears through it. He pops out inside the Rock of Eternity, the wizard Shazam sends him on his way and he pops out in Gemworld where Amthyst is battling an enemy, then he's off into The House of Mystery which pushes him through the portal and he finds himself in hell where Etrigan is enjoying breakfast.  Next he arrives at the Parliament of Trees agruing about some bureaucratic stuff. He winds up in a place called Skartaris with a Tyrannosaurus Rex behind him.

I love this page so bloody much.

After the magic show, Jimmy knocks on Zatanna's dressing room door and asks if she can get Bizarro back. She realises the portal is actually something only a very advanced magic practitioner could make. Then Bizarro pops out of a rent in the fabric of space in a smart suit saying he can do magic now.

He does his spells backwards like Zatanna, and when she tries to remove his powers, he takes hers away instead.  Jimmy demands Bizarro give Zatanna her magic back:

Bizarro: "I will. Me hate magic.  Why you always construe me?"

Jimmy: "That's not a word!"

Bizarro: "Em Eurtsnoc".

And this turns Jimmy into "Jimzarro" and makes Bizarro a normal person. Jizarro decides he's going to rearrange the town to make for better photgraphs for his book.  As he flies off, Bizarro says to Colin "I don't talk like that do I?"

Oops, Jimzarro is created.

Bizarro can't do the backwards magic to turn Jimmy back, "harder than it looks, right?" says Zatanna. Jimzarro is picking up buildings and putting them in more aesthetically pleasing postions.  Zatanna says there may be more trouble as Branson is the location of several leylines, Jimzarro rearranging the city could "open a citywide dimensional tear that could suck us all in".

As Jimzarro causes havoc, Bizarro bumps into a young woman and they flirt with each other. Bizarro pretends not to know who Jimzarro is as he does so.  Then Jimzarro is bought down to earth, he is being possessed by Deadman, another of DC's magic characters.  Jizarro looks sad that no one understands him, is this what it's like for Bizarro all the time?  Bizarro says he pretended not to know him "just to fit in".  Is this how Jimmy feels?

They share a silent moment then Zatanna, her powers returned, puts them back in the correct bodies.  Zatanna also magically undid all the damage Jimzarro caused.  Zatanna takes her leave but says Bizarro isn't a bad sorceror she'd be happy to take him on as an apprentice. After she leaves the two shadowy figures confront Bizarro, Jimmy and Colin.  They are agents of ARGUS, and they have a job for them.  They want the three of them to break into Area 51.

Ah the USA and it's competing shadowy interests.

We then cut to Bizarro, Chastity, Colin and Jimmy standing in a police style line-up having been caught trying to break into Area 51.  Bizarro has a special collar on that restricts his powers.  They are stuck in a jail with lots of other aliens.

We then flashback to the two Argus agents - Meadows and Stuart - telling them that the army has been illegially holding captured aliens and their tech since the 1950's.

Jimmy: "I thought ARGUS was already a shadowy government agency.  Why don't you tell the other shadow government agency to back off?"

Meadow says it's more complicated than that.  Jimmy says they want them to make a mess so ARGUS can come in and clean it up and get ahold of the weaponry in the process.  Stuart says they'll get "Vegas, all expenses paid and fifty K for you and your team".  So Jimmy agrees.

They check into a luxury hotel in Las Vegas, Jimmy has invited Chastity to come along as well.  Jimmy gives Bizarro a hundred bucks to go gamble with and is astonished when Bizarro wins big at blackjack.  For this they get upgraded to the penthouse suite.  We next see all four of them in natty suits, which Bizarro spent all his winnings buying.

Colin is the prison king.

Back in the present Chastity recommends they grab the meanest alien they can and rattle it into taking them to the bossman. He challenges a pink alien that is related to the Green Lantern Kilowog who recommended earth as a great vacation spot.  He stand up to take Bizarro on and sees Colin.  Immediately he backs down and says he'll take them to "the Big Munk".

Jimmy: "Colin is the scariest thing in the universe?"

Colin shrugs and grins. Flashback to vegas.  Jimmy leaves Bizarro and Colin at the bar.  He left his phone and it rings.  Bizarro answers it doing an impersonation of Jimmy.  The voice asks "Jimmy" if the "Bizarro moron is there" and that he should hurry up so they can get the book published and "you can stop pretending to like the chalky Frankentein and come home."  Bizarro crushes the phone.

In the prison, Bizarro is acting cold towards Jimmy and says he will handle things.   The Big Munk comes out and Bizarro insults it. It jumps and holds onto his collar and scratches away at him.   The three aliens who gave the magic staff are there too and it turns out Colin is the missing Ch'ck.

The wardens declare a lockdown, but Big Munks scratching at Bizarro's collar has broken it and now he has his powers back. He gets blasted into the room holding the captured alien tech, and Jimmy gets the Thanagar Hawkman wings and club while Chastity wears a jetpack and holds dual laser pistols.

Time for a prison break.

After some fighting, General Sam Lane appears to put a stop to it.  He says he imprisoned the aliens because they showed no sign of wanting to obey the law, like a certain Bizarro he can think of. Then Jimmy, using the communication eyeglasses the ARGUS agents gave him projects Lois Lane, General Lane's daughter.

She says if he doesn't free all the aliens she'll run a story about about it, "how many "L's" in "Unlawful detainment"?" she says to him.  He reluctantly agrees and sets the aliens free.  Jimmy makes sure they all get to take their alien tech with them as well, the ARGUS agents seem pretty relaxed about their failure.

Chastity leaves with the pink alien, off to bounty hunt in the galaxy.  Colin aka Ch'ck also takes his leave and both Bizarro and Jimmy hug him.  Now Jimmy and Bizarro are alone, Bizarro agrily accuses him of only wanting to hang out with him for a book and that he doesn't even "dislike" him:

Bizarro: "You no call Bizarro ding-dong and dum-dum. You mock me for trying to do the wrong thing. You even no want to leave him in Canada!"

Jimmy says Bizarro isn't easy to be around. Bizarro smashes the car and flies off leaving Jimmy stranded in the middle of the boiling hot desert.

Abandoned Jimmy.

Jimmy wanders the desert, dictating his last will and testement into his phone.  He admits "I managed to piss off the kindest, sweetest creature on the planet.  Way to go, Olsen. Jackass".  He collapses, then a car drives up with King and Queen Tut inside.  Queen Tut commands him to get in the car as he is "the key to destroying Bizarro".

Bizarro is back in Metropolis but he is sad.  Superman comes and finds him and they sit and talk as after flying together proves somewhat destructive. Bizarro tells Superman about his fight with Jimmy, and Superman calls Jimmy an "idiot".  Jimmy the Idiot meanwhile has been tied up at the top of the Seattle Space Needle.  To tempt Bizarro more, Queen Tut uses the staff to hypnotise all of Seattle.

Back with Superman and Bizarro, Bizarro admits he misses Jimmy. Superman tells him "friendships aren't about destinations, they're about journeys".  He says Bizarro should find Jimmy and apologise like a real friend would.  Bizarro hugs Superman then says how will he find Jimmy.  Just then all the TV screens come on an Queent Tut issues her challenge to Bizarro who comments this is most "un-convenient".

Bizarro goes flying off.  We then cut to Colin on his ship who also sees the broadcast.  He tells his fellow aliens to turn around and head back for earth.  They agree because "it is technically our fault."  Bizarro arrives at the top of the Space Needle and turns King Tut back to normal.

That's not good enough for Queen Tut and she blasts Bizarro with the alien staff.   She keeps up an energy blast and Bizarro tries pushing it back.  Then suddenly Chastity and the pink alien appear, and Zatanna rises up through the ground and Deadman pops up, Meadow and Stuart drop down from a chopper and Meadow unties Jimmy and then Colin and Big Munk arrive too.

Bizarro League to Jimmy's rescue!

Everyone pounds on the energy sphere surrounding King and Queen Tut then Colin uses a remote control to switch it off.  Regina returns to normal and says she still wants to be a chocolatier.  Her dad says she can do Egyptian themed ones and they can sell them at the car lot.  Bizarro gives her some diamonds so she can start her business.

Jimmy hands the alien staff over to Stuart and Meadow.  He says there is no power left in it but their bosses won't know that.  Everyone bids Bizarro and Jimmy farewell, Zatanna takes King Tut and Regina back to Smallville.  One person hasn't gone though, Colin has decided to stay with Bizarro, "boo-ray!"

Bizarro shows Jimmy a new car he bought, when Jimmy asks how, he chews a lump of coal into a diamond.  Jimmy looks like he's about to yell at him for not doing that before, but they both laugh their heads off instead and set course for Canada.

No Canda for U!

Unfortunately Canada has been forewarned of their arrival and the mounted police meet them at the border to turn them away.  They do it very politely though and give them a gift basket of Canadian delicacies.  The final page has the caption "Metropolis.  3033 miles [and a whole other miniseries*] later..."  The star leads to an editorial note that replies, "Yeah?  Let's see how the trade sells".  I bought the trade in a shop, was that not enough DC?  *sob*  Anyway the story ends with Bizarro telling Jimmy he's now an intern at the Daily Planet so they can see each other every day. "Oh... Boo-ray" says Jimmy, the end.

What a joyously fun little miniseries this was.  I was wondering how Bizarro might work as a main character but the big lug comes over so lovable in the writing and artwork that he's a lot of fun to read about.  The story is peppered with some wonderful cameos and in-jokes and amazingly the story hangs together very well based as it is on several disparate incidents.  It's lovely seeing everyone come to the rescue at the end.  Bizarro inspires loyalty and affection it seems and it was great seeing him interact with Superman and take advice from him.  Compared to the gloomy, angst ridden Bizarro of the New 52 this is night and day in comparison. Heath Corson's script is smart and funny and really nails Bizarro's odd speech mannerism, but it's the art I love most of all.   I think if you've read enough of my blog you'll know I have a preference for exaggerated, "cartoony" art like the stuff here by the talented Gustave Duarte.  I realise of course that style isn't appropriate for every type of story of course, but here where the story is completely goofy and funny it works gloriously.  Just looking at the pictures makes me smile, and it is very much indicative of how the DCYou was all about taking risks with the look and feel of their various series and miniseries.  Ah the DCYou, how we miss you.  Well in the grand scheme of things this miniseries will probably be retconned and removed from DC continuity, but in my own version of the DCU it stands proud.  A very enjoyable read all round.

Seven Soldiers Of Victory: The Miser's Coat (#1)

"The magic mirror spoke of Seven Soldiers who would one day ride against me.. I see no Seven" - Gloriana

So here we are.  The finale of the maxiseries.  We left each miniseries with the Sheeda invasion of New York having just begun.  Can Grant Morrison pull off a satisfactory conclusion to each character's arc, plus depicting more backstory and historical context and a mega battle and its aftermath?  Well, no not quite, it's here that Morrison's reach finally exceeds his grasp.  Oh it comes very close to completely working, thanks to a phenomenal art job by JH Williams III, but in the end there is too much going on in too short an issue, and in places it lapses into incoherence.  Plus unforgivably I had to look up some up on wikipedia because it is not at all obvious what had happened.  Some characters like Shining Knight and the Manhattan Guardian get a very good wrap up.  Others, most obviously, Frankenstein get screwed over and barely appear.  I would have liked it better if all the historical background had been spread across the miniseries and the final issue completely devoted to the fight against the Sheeda.  That said, we would have been robbed of JH William's riff on Kirby's art style plus his lavish Frank Frazetta style Athurian fantasy sequences. He also blends the seven characters we have seen portrayed by very different artists together in a way that keeps them looking unique while also being of the same overall style.  Basically JH William's owns this final issue and that it still manages to satisfy as much as it does can be laid in a large part at his door.

The issue begins with one of the Seven Unknown Men of Slaughter Swamp telling the story of the Seven Soldiers destined to save the Earth but never meet.  It seems like he is breaking the fourth wall and addressing the reader, but it later transpires that he is dealing with the rogue "Eighth of the Seven" Zor, as detailed in Zatanna's mini, who put the whole Sheeda plan in motion.

Now that's how you make an entrance.

We then cut to Gloriana as her troops invade New York.  Frankenstein is still in the Castle Revolving's control room, and suddenly Sir Justin/Justina the female Shining Knight rises from the Cauldron of Rebirth and boy does she ever look pissed.  Then we start a lengthy flashback, with JH William's doing a marvellous take on Jack Kirby's style as we see Metron and some other New Gods arriving on pre-historic Earth.

Narrator: "40,000 BC.  The Sky Tribes bring structure to a savage world.  The refashioned it in their own image...The primitive inhabitants of a primordial Earth.  And gave them fire, inspiration and magic"
We then rattle through history, the most important element being the introduction of the red haired Aurakles, the Earth's first superhero, who appeared in Mister Miracle's mini.  He holds the Seven Treasures, the Sword (Caliburn), The Cauldron, The Hammer, The Merlin Sprite, the winged horse Pegazeus and an enchanted spear that can "carry death across time and strike a target a millenia away".

Metron and the New Gods, Kirby style.

The ancient men invent a time machine and visit the future.  The machine is discovered by Melmoth and the Sheeda invent their own, leading to the first Harrowing of the Earth. We jump to the era of Sir Justin and how Arthur found Caliburn and the children of Pegazeus.  Then later recovered the Cauldron from the Sheeda, although if you read my look at Shining Knight's mini you'll know how things panned out for the Earth of this time. We then jump back into the present and the actual battle for New York led by Mahattan Guardian.  The battle is rendered via newspaper pages giving it a unique feel and adding in more information in a way that's fun to read.  Apparently even the crossword is relevant, but I can't say for sure, I suck at them.  Anyway, I can't do them justice, so enjoy them yourself.

And a little further on in the issue, but I'm doing it here as it fits in better, is the wrap up to Manhattan Guardian's storyline.

So cool.  Then we cut to Alix, the Bulleteer, driving through the chaos of battle to get Sally to the hospital.  Sally wakes up and sneers that it's Alix who'll need the hospital, all the while, Justina fights Gloriana.  Then Zatanna and Misty arrive on Vaguard, before Zatanna can raise magic hell, Misty knocks her out saying she just realised the reason she wanted to learn magic was to fight her step-mother.  The Sheeda recognise her as King Melmoth's daughter and she takes off. 

Luckily Ali-Ka-Zoom arrives on the scene and wakes Zatanna up, handing her the little guy in a jar, revealed to be the Merlin Sprite, one of the Seven Treasures. Klarion meanwhile is out on the streets, revelling in the chaos - ominously he wonders "which side shall I..." before being distracted by Misty.  We get yet another text heavy page, which to sum up sees Klarion steal Misty's magic die, using it along with his own to complete the "Fatherbox" another Treasure.  He then flies off on a giant Sheeda insect mount, leaving Misty distraught, and telling the recently arrived Zatanna that no one can stop Gloriana now.

At the same moment, Father Time, the leader of S.H.A.D.E as introduced in Frankenstein's mini, gets a transmission from Frankie which he sent when he was in the future and makes a horrible discovery.

Father Time: "He says the Sheeda are the pinnacle of natural selection...the last living species clinging to a dying Earth!  Consuming their own history to survive,,, They're not fairies, not aliens.  They're us.  One billion years from today.  The Sheeda are what man will finally become!"

Frankenstein is still in Castle Revolving's control room.  Suddenly Klarion appears and as Frankenstein is a "grundy-man" he takes control of him and orders him to take the Castle back to the Sheeda-side.  Zatanna meanwhile uses the Merlin Sprite to power a spell that does something to power up or protect the Seven, it's not totally clear frankly. (Wikipedia says "In the final battle against the Sheeda, Zatanna casts a spell to move time and space, retroactively positioning the Seven Soldiers to overthrow the Sheeda." but that's not at all obvious from the issue itself, ah well)  Shining Knight and Gloriana are still locked in combat, Gloriana gets the upper hand and knocks Justinia off the high spot the are fighting on. 

Zatanna uses Overpowered Magic.  It's Super Effective!

Then we see Mister Miracle visit Boss Dark Side, and now he has "God Sight" he can hear and speak to Darkseid lurking inside his human host.  He offers himself as a trade for Aurakle's freedom.

Darkseid: "I promised the Sheeda a world to ravage in return for Aurakles, beloved of the New Gods."

Darkseid agrees to Mister Miracle's terms, now that Mister Miracle has become the Avatar of Freedom he holds more value.  He shoots Mister Miracle through the head.  Outside, Vanguard catches a falling Sir Justin.  Then I Spyder, having changed sides again, shoots Gloriana through the head with an arrow.  She falls into the road below and with Aurakle's now free the Spear that was throw thousands of years ago can find it's mark in the form of Alix's out of control car (she being a direct descendent of his, the hair you see), and it hits Gloriana and explodes, finally killing her for good.  And with that the Sheeda attack on New York is over.

A battered and badly hurt Gloriana, finally taken out by the most reluctant of the Seven.

Some time after the battle we see Justinia, now on a girls school uniform, talking with Ali-Ka-Zoom.  She is still sad about losing everyone she cared about, but Ali hands her Caliburn and says he found records of a past Golden Age, led by Ystina the Good, "who knows what big adventures you've got waiting".  We get a single page showing Klarion with the Fatherbox celebrating becoming King Of The Sheeda, and last of all Mister Miracle's funeral.  The final image is him bursting out of his grave and with that, this epic maxi-series comes to an end.

"Wise Fwom Your Gwave!"

So, the finale, while bursting at the seams with content, probably could have used more focus on the final battle in New York and it's aftermath than yet more history, although the artist in me still hearts the Kirby pastiche. Frankenstein doesn't play any kind of role in the final battle, although to be fair, he was the main reason they didn't have to deal with a fleet of Sheeda warships rather than just Castle Revolving.  I only know that Klarion became the Sheeda King from Morrison's notes in the back of the collection, it's not at all obvious from the final pages that things have gone down that way. Misty is rather ill-served which is a shame, she had potential to be an interesting character in her own right and I don't think she's ever appeared again in a DC comic post-Seven Soldiers.  However I applaud the creative uses of text heavy pages to impart big chunks of information in a way that's fun to read.  And so, while not perfect by any means, it's still a worthy capstone to a magnificent epic series, which I put up with the best of Grant Morrison.  It's been collected in two generous and good value trade paperbacks and I heartily recommend it.  Great writing, mostly great art, it's a peach.

So, What Happened Next...?

Before I sign off on this series finally, lets have a quick look at the post Seven Soldier's careers of these rebooted, reimagined characters.

SHINING KNIGHT: She appeared briefly in Infinite Crisis, the year long weekly series 52 and the Teen Titans.  But when the 2011 New 52 reboot launched, she became a regular member of the "Demon Knights" in the titular series which takes place in the Middle Ages.  Her background was altered a bit and although biologically female, he was gradually and sensitively revealed as trans-man, however the series was cancelled after thirty issues or so and I'm not sure if he is active in the current DCU.

MANHATTAN GUARDIAN: Sadly DC prefer the original concept of the Guardian, so Jake has been reduced to bit parts in major crossovers, although a team-up between him and the original Guardian may be on the cards in the future.

ZATANNA:  She remains a hugely significant character in the DCU, with appearances constantly in the last ten years.  Most recently she is a member of the New 52 series Justice League Dark, a collection of magic orientated DCU characters.

KLARION THE WITCHBOY: Like Manhattan Guardian mainly reduced to bit parts in major crossovers, but it seems he is to be given his own series, it remains to be seen how much his Seven Soldiers history and powers will feature in it.

MISTER MIRACLE:  The Shilo Norman Mister Miracle recovers from his nasty bout of death (thanks to his merging with Motherbox).  He plays a key role in the battle against Darkseid and the Anti-Life Equation in Morrison's Final Crisis. He also plays a major part in Blackest Night/Brightest Day. But as far as I can see he has not so far appeared in the New 52 DCU.

THE BULLETEER:  Despite quitting the superhero business, she was back in action with a lot of guest appearances in many different series.  But again, does not appear to have been used post the New 52.

FRANKENSTEIN: Although his fate was left up in the air in the finale issue, he also makes guest appearences in various crossovers.  During Flashpoint, he got his own alternate universe mini-series.  Then was given his own title once the New 52 launched.  Sadly this only lasted for sixteen issues, with Frankie going on to become another member of the Justice League Dark after its cancellation.

Seven Soldiers of Victory: Zatanna (#1-4)

"You want guilt?  My names Zatanna Zatara. I'm a spellaholic" - Zatanna

Of all the minis that make up this maxiseries, Zatanna's was the one I was actually dreading trying to write up.  It's no secret that Grant Morrison like Alan Moore is a practicing mage, and Zatanna is an overtly magical character, a female sorcerer of some considerable power who casts spells by reciting them backwards.  A somewhat goofy conceit dating back to her first appearence in 1964 during DC's Silver Age.  It becomes inevitable that, like Alan Moore with Promethea, Morrison obviously saw Zatanna as a way to get across some of his ideas about magic, throw in his love of meta as well, and you end up with four issues that are difficult to summarise clearly, although reading them directly does make more sense.  Nevertheless I shall try my best.  It helps that the one of the artists is inker Mick Gray who was JH Williams III's co-artist on Promethea so he has experience with this kind of weirdness and it looks fantastic, although just as much credit should go to penciller Ryan Sook.  This is a story bursting at the seams and would have benefitted from a few more issues to be truly brilliant, especially as it introduces a new character to the Sheeda narrative and deals with those events too, on top of Zatanna's other problems in the story.  But enough excuses, let's get started.

Zatanna at the self help group.

It starts with Zatanna at a self-group for heroes with low self-esteem.  Although it's only alluded to in the story, it's worth knowing the recent history of Zatanna which was that she, under orders from the Justice League had been magically wiping villains minds to help keep things secret from them, and this had been revealed in the previous years crossover event Identity Crisis.  Also present at this therapy group is Gimmix, the heroine who goes on to be killed in Seven Soldiers #0 and appears to be here because she suffered some unwanted monster sex at the start of her career. Gimmix rather bitchily calls her "Little Miss I'm-a-Justice-League-member" and says she is giving the group even lower self esteem.

Zatanna: "Look we just spent an hour listening to the most lurid account of monster sex I can imagine outside of Starro The Conqueror's porno stash.  Can I have a moment of your time to talk about why my self esteem is the lowest of all?"

The group leader, Etta Candy (a friend of Wonder Woman) asks her about her father Zatara.  He was killed during Alan Moore's Swamp Thing run, he burned alive helping to fight the forces of evil.  Anyway what has pushed Zatanna's self esteem into the pits was an incident where she took four people on a magical tour.  She conducts it at Baron Winter's house (which is a magical place in itself).  As they sit at the table Zatanna says:

Zatanna: "My dad saved all his secrets of his art in four books but he died here, in this chair.  And the books were never found."

They then begin the journey at the interreality of Ra and they meet King Ra-Man.  He opens up the cellars of the Buddhakhamun that leads to the infrastructure below.  We then get some lovely two page spreads depicting their journey.

A magical plane of existence

They finally arrive at the realm "where all thought is remembered".  There are books everywhere, but something is wrong.  Back with the group Zatana confesses that three nights before when she should have been purifying herself, she got lonely after yet another failed relationship and cast a spell:

Zatanna: "gnirb em eht nam fo ym smaerd"

She says she didn't really think it through, but she didn't expect him to be the herald of the apocalypse.  A flaming man appears in the magical book realm then the comic cuts abruptlly back to Zatanna at the table, surrounded by four smoking skeletons. "Oh not again my dear" snarks Baron Winter.

Zatanna's boyfriend is hot!

Oopsy.

Zatanna then concludes her story to the group by saying:

Zatanna: "My ideal man is a monster I set free to destroy the world.  Spellaholic.  It's a problem, right?"

Even Gimmix agrees it is.  Later when the session is over, Gimmix mentions she is going on a "gig out west" (and we all know how that ended).  Then one of the other group members, a young teen girl called Misty asks Zatanna to sign one of her books.

Misty: "I love the way you talk about magic.  It's so, like, down-to-earth and non preachy."

(I have seen people online say this is a diss aimed at Alan Moore's Promethea, I would hope it isn't.  Not very classy of Morrison to do it in a book being part drawn by one of Promethea's artists). Misty then asks to be taught by Zatanna, who intially says no and that she has lost her powers.  Misty then says this won't be a problem and summons a taxi by talking backwards.

Misty: "You got me now. Sorcerer's apprentice.  Deal?"

Introducing Misty

Zatanna accepts and she and Misty go to a magic shop run by a blind friend of Zatanna's called Cassandra Craft, who knows all about magical artifacts and the "shadowy, bohemian underground" that uses them.  The shop is closed to Zatanna's surprise, but Misty magically unlocks it.  They go inside and Cassandra appears with a flaming, magic crossbow.  When she realises it's Zatanna she is relieved saying she thought it was the "shapeless one", who is following Zatanna and "wants her".  Zatanna sarcastically says it's "nice to be wanted".  The Shapeless One is what the local occult circles are calling it.  Zatanna says it's a shape shifter called Gwydion.

Cassandra: "The name Gwydion is an early form of Merlin. I checked.  It refers to a royal were-dragon from Celtic mythology.  Or it might just be something a minor demon decided to call itself.  In fact it could be anything."

Zatanna asks her to narrow it down, but Cassandra says she can't because it could be anything.  Zatanna plans to take Gwydion on in her shop to prevent loss of civilian life.  Misty starts to pet Cassandras gorgeous black cat.

Zatanna: "Cass, meet Misty Kilgore.  Runaway.  My 'apprentice'"

Cassandra: "His name is Prowley.  I think he likes you too.  But if he turns up and pees all over your dreams, send him right back home."

In Cassandra's shop

Cassandra questions why Zatanna would take on an apprentice when she can barely run her own life.  Zatanna deflects by asking about the Phantom Stranger.  Apparently Cass last saw him when he went out to buy bread two years ago.  Zatanna says they need something to bind Gwydion with and she needs to be armed now she lost her powers. She picks up a top hat.  It was left by a mysterious old guy who left a message for Zatanna saying "I have come for the books."  Msytified Zatanna suddenly notices a cabinet wrapped in police tape.  It was Ali-Ka-Zoom's old magic cabinet, he was a member of the Newsboy Army, a teen superteam of the 1940's who story was related in the Manhattan Guardian mini.

While Zatanna prepares herself for battle, Misty read her book.  Suddenly the letters melt and fall out of the book.  "Shapeless thing alert!" yells Misty.  Zatanna fires the magic crossbow into the book, but Gwydion has moved on.  Cassandra can feel him in the room, and she hugs Prowley.

Misty: "Excuse me.  If that's your cat.  Whose cat is that?"

A second black cat has appeared and it snarls and leaps at Zatanna who grabs it and flings it into some glassware.  It disolves into smoke:

Zatanna: "Who sent you when I called 'Gwydion'?"

Gwydion: "I serve the new supreme architect of the universe whose name is yet hidden".

Magical fighting hat.

Using the magic hat she scoops up the smoke and forces him into a magic mirror.  Using a magic die she has, Misty commands him to become solid so he can't escape.  Zatanna fires the crossbow at the mirror, shattering him into pieces.  Finally they get a magic jar and put the now tiny, man shaped Gwydion inside it.

Zatanna: "I wish I felt a sense of closure."

Then the Phantom Stranger turns up on the doorstep, with a couple of loaves of bread and a portent of doom for humanity.  Ho ho ho. The next issue begins with Ali-Ka-Zoom on a bus of the dead picking up ghosts of the recently departed.  He says they have one last stop to make.  Then we join Misty and Zatanna with Zatanna overseeing Misty's first exorcism.  Later Misty asks why she does it, going from place to place fighting ghosts and demons for no reward.  Zatanna replies that she makes her living from the stage, fighting crime is what she does because her father believed it to be right.  She finally admits to having used her powers to change lives and memories:

Zatanna: "I'm a lousy, no-good spellaholic and as far as I'm concerned I can't suffer enough."

Ali-Ka-Zoom

She sees Misty as someone who can avoid all her mistakes and regrets.  Suddenly Ali-Ka-Zoom appears in the road.  Zatanna has his cabinet in the boot of her car.  He chuckles that they sent a dozen cops in there and none ever came out.  He wants to burn it.  Zatanna says it cost Cassandra twenty-thousand dollars. Ali says she can make a better one for three bucks.

Ali: "There is nothing in that box but a big deep hole where we dropped a poor foolish boy once.  And you know why?  Because he did something we thought was wrong."

As the box burns on a beach he recounts the story of the Newsboy Army and "The Terrible Time Tailor" who sealed their fates.  They then all drive, under Ali's instruction to Don Vincenzo's mansion in the immediate aftermath of the battle against the Sheeda that took place in Shining Knight's mini where the Sheeda were trying to get back a magic cauldron that preserves life and resurrects the dead.

Zatanna is concerned about bringing Misty to a place filled with human and giant insect corpses.  Misty ignores her and goes to one of the dead Sheeda spider mounts.

Misty: "It's been all the way from the dawn of time to the last days and back... and it won't ever get to do it again.  I feel so sad."

Vanguard under Sheeda attack

Then more Sheeda appear, attempting to capture the flying horse mount of Justin, Shining Knight, called Vanguard.  Misty commands the Sheeda to stop and they do, much to Zatanna's bewilderment as she wasn't casting a spell.  Misty thinks they are afraid of her die.  Misty then uses it to translate Vanguards speech.  Vanguard mourns Vincenzo.

Vanguard: "He showed me kindness in this dark age and died a warrior, slain by the celestial huntsman.  Now I must find Justin, for war is upon the world."

Ali takes Vincenzo's soul away and as he leaves he tells Zatanna to go see the Seven Unknown Men Of Slaughter Swamp, who we met in Seven Soldiers #0. Zatanna and Misty go and look for the cauldron and find that Neh-Buh-Loh has got there first.  Misty says she knows him and her memories start to return.  She is Gloriana's (the Sheeda Queen) stepdaughter.  When Gloriana decided she was going to use the Cauldron to stay alive forever, she wouldn't need an heir and she told Neh-Buh-Loh to kill Misty.

Neh-Buh-Loh: "But your symmetry.  Your grace and laughter.  I could not kill you.  I was weak."

Neh-Buh-Loh

Misty remembers she was kept in the Castle Revolving, spinning cobwebs.  The more she span the less she remembered. Neh-Buh-Loh tells them to run and they summon Vanguard to make a hasty escape.

Zatanna: "Okay.  You have some serious explaining to do."

Zatnna returns home to get outfitted for what might be a dangerous confrontation.  Zatanna's always enjoyed wearing cheesecake style outfits (more fun to draw as well!) and picks a particularly revealing one. Though the nature of the art is such that it comes across as playful rather than objectifying.  Misty says her sense of dress is "part of her magic."  They then fly to Slaughter Swamp on Vanguard.  He says he plans to go on to Gorias to make his stand.

Inside the shack they find a cobwebby spinning wheel which Misty says looks familiar.  Zatanna then decides it'll be safer to send Misty away with Vanguard for now.

Zatanna: "Misty.  I don't think I ever really lost my powers.  I only lost my faith in myself.  But this last week you've kinda helped me remember who I am."

As Misty and Vanguard leave a magic door opens and a man in a top hat steps out.  She realises he is evil incarnate and he dramatically introduces himself as "ZOR!"  He claims he made himself look like her dad to "Set her up for this cruel disappointment" while flicking a bullet at her which nicks her arm.  He then says he can make her his daughter and goths her up.  But she casts a spell and restores her appearance. She then opens the jar containing Gwydion to aid her in her battle, boosting her power by becoming what Zor becomes.  Zor and Zatanna then face each other down, not speaking, two wills locked in combat.

Yes, ZOR!

Zor: "Zor's will be done.  But first you Zatanna.  Pretending to be a superhero.  Your father would be ashamed of what you've become.  Pretending to be special"

Zatanna: "Ptooy!  And you have a stupid beard!"

Zor: "Liar!  It's a magnificent beard and you know you want one! Hahahaha!"

They begin to battle phsyically and in a meta style as well, with Zatanna pulling the very comic panels Zor is on down around him.  Finally back in the swamp Zatanna ends up on top of Zor throttling him.  She then senses something and reaches out towards the reader to help her, but instead comes face to face with the Unknown Men.

Meta-fu!

They are impressed with her for subduing the "renegade".  They say that they are "time tailors" who patch and sew fabric of the universe, but he rebelled and took it too far and tried to change the pattern.  He introduced the Sheeda threat to the world and they must be stopped.  As a reward for Zor's capture, she is allowed access to anything in their records.  She wants to find her father's four books.  Zatara then appears before her and tells her:

Zatara: "The book of water is a kind heart.  The book of earth is a graceful body.  The book of air, a keen mind.  The book of fire is strength of spirit.  I wrote my books in you Zatanna.  You were my greatest spell.  My gift to the world."

Overwhelmed, Zatanna embraces him while the Unknown Men prepare to deal with Zor.  Later in the therapy group room, Zatanna is chatting with just Etta about all the things that happened. Etta says that whatever Zatanna blamed herself for before, she has redeemed herself and that makes her a superhero again.  Outside Zatanna ponders what to do next.  Suddenly Misty and Vanguard appear.

Misty: "Zatanna!  My step-mother is about to invade earth.  I thought of you."

The climatic showdown awaits...

And that's yet another cliffhanger into the final issue of the maxiseries.  This mini overall was very enjoyable.  Zatanna has always been one of the DCU's more interesting and powerful female superheroes with a rich background in both the superhero strand of comics and the more magical ones as well.  Just as at home rubbing shoulders with Batman as she is with The Phantom Stranger. Having her suffering a crisis of confidence post-Identity Crisis and the lethal magical ceremony and yet still able to kick magical butt without her powers was very good to see.  And her mentor relationship with Misty is very well written and sympathetic.  Misty adds another layer to the Sheeda plot, a fairy tale princess escaping a wicked step-mother.  How much power and control she can exert over them herself remains to be seen.  The art is lovely with every character having a distinctive look, and the magical landscapes being stunningly rendered. So with her mojo returned, Zatanna looks to be one of the more powerful of the Seven Soldiers in conflict with the Sheeda. Once again, join me at the end of the month for the final issue of the series which ties of the ends of every mini.